Love and Broken Things

A relationship is more of an assignment than a choice. We can walk away from the assignment, but we cannot walk away from the lessons it presents. We stay with a relationship until a lesson is learned, or we simply learn it another way.” – Marianne Williamson

alone-backlit-bokeh-1649068Last year, a man I was dating asked me to describe “my type” and I told him I didn’t have one. His jealous nature tried to piece together based on conversations and similarities of previous boyfriends and suitors what type of men I was attracted to… but in truth, the appearances of the men I find myself connected to are all quite different. However, there is one thing that seems to be common among them all.

I seems to have this uncanny ability to walk into any room at any given day and gravitate towards the most broken thing in the room. That darkness within the soul, that broken longing calls out to my own and fosters an immediate and extremely intense chemistry. It isn’t even a concious thing at all. Seemingly, these potential suitors all appear to have their schtuff together but within a few weeks, I can see the pattern emerging.

This happens for so many of us who identify as healers or empaths and the cycle is just positively exhausting. My eyes are starting to open up to the cycle and recently, I’ve been cutting ties left and right, but I still feel guilty. It still hurts. This last connection I have made has left me numb and in shock. Something that seemed so right, went so wrong so fast… and yet, there’s that dumbass heart again in all of its feelers towards him.

So, being the proper Virgo that I am, I analyze the big WHY. Why do I find all the broken things in the world and why do I feel compelled to fall into them?

Do I feel I can “fix” them? : No. I didn’t even think that He was broken when we met. I am TIRED of being derailed in life and setting aside my goals and my time to rehab others. I can barely keep myself straight… so no, I am not a Tinker Fairy and I do not want to fix anyone.

Do I want to be needed? : Partially, yes, I think so. I’ve never had great self esteem (that’s putting it quite mildly actually) so if someone needs me, then they won’t leave, right? I’ve learned the hard way that they do in fact leave. That isn’t a real and lasting reason to need someone in your life and so that never really holds weight in the real world.

This is what I know to be true.

  1. I know that I am a guide for lost souls. I am a mentor and a light, a teacher and counselor and I have been here for many lives… so, many of the people who I come across here are those who I’ve been involved with across many lives and we all have a lesson to learn in this one.
  2. I cannot turn my back on someone I care for, even to my own detriment. So, I will drag myself through firey coals if need be to help someone who I love in their time of need. But, that doesn’t mean that my place in their life is a forever one, nor is their place in mine.
  3. I am a damn bleeding heart martyr. It is hard for me to put my own sanity above the suffering I see in another… even when I should walk away… even when there are sooo many red flags… I have to say that I left ALL that I had on the floor when I walked out the room. Too often, I do leave ALL that I have. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
  4. I suck at being alone. I am not the kinda woman who you can date casually… I am all or nothing and when it is nothing – ugh. Just ugh.

This is what I am learning.

  1. Maybe, I am part of someone’s lesson in their life. Maybe I am meant to be in this life chapter for them; however, I cannot force my light into the room of someone who has conciously put up black out curtains. I have to retain my hope.
  2. Unless we’re talking about my child, someone else’s life lesson is not worth my heartbreak and pain.

So… maybe my lesson in this chapter is that I am here to help others, but not to sacrifice my heart for them to learn a lesson they aren’t yet ready to see. When they are ready to learn it, they will. The universe will provide that path for them.

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therenegadegoddess

Virginia Beach, VA Writer/ Massage Therapist/ Good Vibes Junkie

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