I feel like I should rename this section of the blog because that scale ISN’T moving. I haven’t even looked at it in over a week. At the start of all this, I was obsessing over that number. Staring constantly at it as if I was willing for it to move like some weight loss ouija board. But, that’s not how it works apparently.
For those who have been following the chaos that has been my journey, I started studying for my Certified Personal Trainer exam back in May and became a Coach with Beachbody in June so it has certainly been a whirlwind the past month of studying, learning, working out, and realizing that I have absolutely no reason to be attempting to get back into the dating scene when I am still all up in my feels about my ex. Soooo…. here we are, a little bit of chaos, a whole lot of busy, and trying not to eat myself into the bed permanently. The good thing is, since I’ve started this way of living, I don’t crave the more harmful foods like donuts and french fries. I crave sushi and good chicken tacos. So that certainly does help. Also, I’ve been weight training consistently so I am seeing my shape change and my peers and clients are taking note.
As the saying goes, don’t take the advice of anyone who’s never actually done anything. So, despite the scale not moving, progress is being made and it is allowing me to help others now join me on this path and feel more confident and healthy in their own lives.
Confidence has been a huge thing for me recently. I’ve been really struggling to find who I am without my other half or ANYONE else for that matter. It is getting better. I bought my first 2 piece bathing suit. I started wearing shorts in public. These things seem normal, but for the girl who is perpetually the “fat girl” in the room, it is a huge shift. I actually overheard that an older gentleman had been speaking to one of the trainers about me recently and said what was strangely one of the most motivating statements (at least for me) to date.
“When you first see her, she looks like she could kick your ass. But, then you see her and realize she is just really, really pretty.”
I cried a little. I have to admit. I’m so used to being “pretty for a fat girl” or the “big girl with the pretty face.” I will take “she looks like she could kick my ass” any day of the week over “she looks like she likes cake.”
So… my focuses right now aren’t on that number, they are on that feeling. I am seeking mental and physical strength…and some of that emotional strength, too. I want to help others, help myself, stay consistent…and pass this damn exam!!!
Forgiveness is a bitch. It is a concept that has really been pressed upon me recently… the art of forgiveness and letting go. I find I am reminding myself to “Elsa that shit” more days than I don’t so its obviously something that has been presented to me to work on. That’s how I like to see life. If it is something that you’re repeatedly challenged with, that’s your lesson that you need to be learning. That’s the “chapter” of life’s textbook that you’re supposed to be working on right now.
I tend to get very attached to people and situations very quickly. I go from the gut and the heart and when I actually feel butterflies, it’s a BIG deal. So, when things end or go a way that varies from my expectations, I know it is my own attachment to the outcome that makes it hard for me to deal and let it goooo.
So, this year the Great Spirit has blessed me with some very big life lessons in the form of two humans. One will do anything to try to hurt me the other will say anything to try to tear me down. In both relationships, I have bent over backwards to try to salvage the relationship and make them happy, even at the sake of sacrificing what I felt comfortable with taking.
This is what I have learned.
1) Manage my expectations – I cannot expect for everyone to act and do as I would in any given situation, they are living their own journey which is molded my their past conditioning and karma and I am here to live my journey along side theirs in this chapter.
2) Their words/actions are not a reflection of myself – There is something that is the catalyst for their actions and as long as I have done the best by them that I can, that’s all I can do. I am a good human in and of my own right. All I can do is love them and wish them better days on their journey.
3) I am okay – Seriously. Whatever happens it is not the end of the world, just the end of the chapter. I am okay. You are okay. Even if what you did/said/didn’t do was not, I just have to accept that it is something that I have to release (along with you) and move forward.
4) Moving forward and moving on are separate things – You can still love someone and continue in your life without them. If someone crosses your boundaries in a way that cannot be repaired. It is ok to love them, forgive them, and go on without them as best you can. Just because someone you love hurt you does not mean that you have to stop existing and it doesn’t mean you stop loving them in your own way.
5) Closure is bullshit – Yup, I said it. Closure is a concept that rarely ever pans out. If you don’t receive the closure you crave, it doesn’t mean it isn’t over and that it SHOULDN’T be over… because it should. Just because you don’t get closure, doesn’t mean that the connection is a healthy and strong one. It just means that they never came up with the words or the actions to make you feel better. They didn’t do it while you were together, they probably never can.
So, it’s a process. I am still learning and healing and with full honesty, I hope they are, too. We all have to be good humans here…and it is fucking hard when we are dealing with our own karma and past hurts, bad programming and fears. I just have to accept that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you in a hard way what you need to learn the most and that is why the best thing I can do for myself and for them is to be grateful for the lesson, send them my love, and let it go.
I’ve NOT been consistently meeting my goals. Let’s face it and call it what it is and move forward. I’ve been struggling with some serious shit in my life and I’ve been really, really depressed. I thought I was handling it ok, saying that my studies were keeping me from being as diligent. But, my laying in bed trying to sleep it away has been keeping me from doing what needs to be done.
First, my nutrition suffered. Since my scale hasn’t been moving and I haven’t been making progress, I haven’t been writing anything here either which keeps me on track. Sure, I’ve been getting my bare minimum workouts in and still helping coach others towards their goals… but I haven’t done a single workout in a week until today. I’m afraid to step on a scale and all I want to do is sleep and cry.
I am being very gentle on myself because, all things considered, I am doing VERY well. The smile you’ve been seeing on Instagram recently has been a coping mechanism. In the spirit of the holiday, let me declare my independence and speak with full disclosure and truth. I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. (I actually just sighed after typing that one out) I say I am recovering because even when it was happening, I knew it and was starting to seek help. I have been living with a demon in my brain for the past 4 months. Even after I walked a month ago, it still continued… the verbal and emotional lashing for hours and sometimes days on end. I literally cannot imagine what those who experience this for YEARS are going through. I am jumpy, depressed, irritable, sleepy, shaky, uncertain about everything, and numb.
A few weeks ago, I saw a military helicopter pass over the parking lot at work and I jumped in my car thinking for a brief second that he was coming to snipe me and then it hit me just how far and how much damage had been done as I sat in the back seat of my car thinking I would somehow avoid a bullet that way. Completely illogical and irrational because that would never happen…but… this is where my brain has been living. Fear. Paranoia. Depression. They will rob you of your motivation and ability to function towards achieving your goals each and every time.
Yes, I am getting support. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life who I’ve shared a bit of what has happened with and are helping me to see that all the things he told me about myself aren’t true. I am being shown my value and worth. I am being treated how I deserve. Yes, I know that he will somehow read this and I may even receive messages of retaliation and this is why I will never speak openly about who… just that I want to speak and continue to speak so that I can help others to know that they are not alone.
Depression… abuse… whatever is keeping you from your goals, whatever is causing damage to your soul. I am here with you. Let’s get through this and show them that we are coming for all the things we were told we could never have.
Just wanted to let you all know I am still alive and kicking… just dealing with a little life overload. I plan to be right back at it this week with more writing more, storytelling, more ‘stuff.’
I DID want to let you know for those of you who love my more ‘poetic’ storytelling adventures, I am splitting the site up a bit as I will be focusing this site more on my health and wellness adventures and my overall fitness journey.
Sooooo, if you want to still see my poetry, my soul baring tearfully ‘deep shit’ … please make the transition and follow me HERE as well ❤
A few years ago, when I was teaching at a local massage school, I was given one of those white oval bumper stickers that runners have on their cars: 13.1 for half marathon, 26.2 for full, etc. Don’t quote me on the numbers cause well… I am not a ‘runner.’ But the sticker she gave me said “0.0 I Don’t Run.” I had always made jokes in class about not being one for exercise (truth be told, typing that just now was the first time I have ever spelled the word right without redline assistance). However, I always secretly was envious of those people who ran because they looked like they really enjoyed it for one and for two, it was just something I couldn’t ever seem to do. It hurt to breathe, I couldn’t keep going for more than a minute or two and it was just excruciatingly boring. I was the one who was constantly getting in trouble in gym class for walking and talking when we were supposed to be running the mile and I cannot even begin to count the number of times that I “forgot” my gym uniform so that I didn’t have to run.
Fast forward to this week. The scale hasn’t been moving aaaaaanywhere near as fast as it once was but that’s ok because I’ve really been focusing on making this a lifestyle and focusing more on what my body can do, making it do more, helping coach others to do more with their health, and studying for my personal training exam. Ok, and lemme be VERY honest with you. I’ve spent A LOT of time in my bed struggling with depression. I thought that I could get back into the dating scene again after my recent break up. I was wrong. I am still very much in love with my ex and I need to work on sorting myself out and coping with his loss and my actions. I need to focus on protecting myself. I do not want to be hurt again… I won’t survive another blow. So a whoooooole lot of that studying and working has been from the BlankeyFort HQ. BUT, it has made my training schedule even more important to me. I’ve had to drop lifting for a while until the doctor clears my knee again and so I’ve been using the few weeks to dive harder into my PiYo Routines and try some different things to see what hurts my knee and what doesn’t.
3 Days Ago… I got the proverbial wild hair up the proverbial ass. After I finished my PiYo workout, I opened up the new Aaptiv app I had gotten and turned on a walk/run interval session. The first few mins weren’t nearly as bad as I had remembered running to be which I attributed to the 50 pound weight loss. So, I kept going… skipped the 60 seconds of walking interval and kept going. In fact, I never did the walking intervals. I ran the whole damn mile AND then I started to laugh and then I started to cry. I felt what runners felt. I ENJOYED that time and it was mine. My heart really needed that success right now when so many things feel like they are all falling apart.
I have run a mile each day since… just cause.
I have a goal to get that sticker on my car now. I’m going to put that 0.0 at the left top corner of my back windshield and under it… I hope to soon put a 5K one… and then, see how many stickers I can put under that.
No, seriously. I really have no idea WTF I am doing.
Ok, so here’s the thing… most people who have been overweight for most of their lives are reallllyyyy good at diets. I mean, we’ve been told that we’re “fat” and need to fix it our whole lives so we’ve become experts at dropping weight and gaining it back. Side note: I put “fat” in quotation marks because fat is something you have on your body and not something you are. I also, have fingernails on my body… no one has ever referred to me as “nails.” NEVER. But, I digress…
I have dropped the same 20-70 pounds in my life over and over and over again. This cycle I KNOW is not unique to me either and plenty of people go through this throughout their lives and it kills the metabolism and just leads to gaining more and more weight back each time. At my heaviest, I had gotten up to 278 at one point. I’ve never been a petite girl and have always been told I “carry weight well” but that isn’t how my body feels about it, my knees, my back, my heart… my ability to smile.
Thing is, once I get to a halfway decent weight with a ‘diet’ and some cardio, I hit this place where I’m like “okay, now what?” That’s where I am now. I’ve lost 47 pounds but haven’t been able to get any further. The scale stops moving, my motivation waivers, and I really like Oreos. It wasn’t until I got into holistic health as a massage therapist that I really began to learn anything about the body and felt I had any control over what I could do with it. I was never an athlete, a dancer, yes… but never the particularly athletic kind… the kind that had the stage presence and the personality to light up a stage without really doing anything ‘athletic.’ I was never in sports, I am no ‘gym rat,’ never took PE class seriously, and was an overweight vegetarian most of my life… cause ya know, Oreos are vegan and all.
Basically, when I say I have NO Idea what I am doing, I totally mean that.
So, I had this crazy idea… what if I took this nutrition and fitness thing seriously? What if I learned what to do? What if I made it a lifestyle? If I took educating myself about myself as seriously as I took graduate school… I could change my whole life. I could save my life.
But, I’m not an athlete. I’ve always been the big girl. That goal seems reaaaalllllllly out there and how does one learn those things? Then, I realized that I knew nothing about massage when I became a massage therapist. I went to school to become certified. The best way to learn something is to study it… theory and practical application. Full immersion. Plus, there is nothing that holds you more accountable to your goals than to tell everyone in your life and on your blog for the whole world to see just how big your goals are.
So, THAT is just what I’ve decided to do. I’m not a “Fit Girl,” yet… but I can start learning how to become one. This week, I enrolled to study for the Certified Personal Trainer exam through NASM. I’ll be honest, I am intimidated AF and completely out of my league. BUT, I know my mind and my abilities are limitless and if I can learn the theory first and work hard to train my body, it will become limitless, too.
I have immense respect for the profession and I have no expectations for working with clients anytime soon. But, if I can get myself motivated and my body to a better state of performance… if I can reach my goals and create a lifestyle for myself, then I have accomplished what I have been told my whole life was impossible… to not be the big girl who can’t climb the rope in gym class ever again.
Ever since I was diagnosed with food allergies and learned how to better treat my body by not contaminating it, I’ve been blessed with rarely getting sick anymore. However, the first half of this year I’ve gotten really sick twice already. So, what gives?! As any quintessential Virgo would, I have been analyzing what it is that could have shot my immune system back down twice. Oh yeah, single life.
Both times I’ve gotten sick this year have been following a romantic breakup (something I am not used to having been married for a decade prior). But that’s not a legitimate reason to get sick, right? Well, as it turns out, it actually really is and isn’t as uncommon as you think.
The “Break Up Flu” is the lovely side effect of a traumatic event that causes you to pick up colds, flus, and other nasty loveliness more easily. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship was either apparently. The first this year for me was after a 3 year relationship and the second was after a 3 month relationship. The heart wants what the heart wants and when that ends, it causes a stress response in your body. Plus, lets be honest… are you reaaalllly eating that well during that time period? Comfort food isn’t usually packed with immune boosting nutrients.
So, it’s very important to treat yourself well in the days and weeks following the end of a relationship. No matter how well you think you are taking it, who ended it, etc. it is still an emotional and spiritual blow and you and your body all need time to adjust to the change. It is like surgery… no matter how small the operation, it still changes you.
Be sure you are consciously taking care of your health and your spirit. Here are some tips to help you get through this period and the “Break Up Flu” if it as already taken hold.
Keep Moving! – going out for walks, trips to the beach, trips to the mall (just be mindful of your spending) will help keep you out of bed, connecting with the world, getting fresh air, and keeping your lymph moving in your body.
Let it Go- I have never actually seen Disney’s Frozen, but I channel my inner Elsa on this one… Let. It. Go. Scream, shout, cry, dance naked in the forest if you want…but let it go. Holding on to that trapped negative emotion is harmful to the body. Journaling is a good outlet and if you don’t wish to hold on to the things you write, write it all out and then have a burning ritual where you burn those pages and with it all the emotions you need to release.
Eat Well (and be sure to eat)- Your body needs fuel and this time is no exception. Your spirit is healing and going through a stressful period. It may be desirable to eat a bunch of comfort food or you may not want to eat at all because of depression or loss of appetite. Now, I would never say don’t have that Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream when it is calling your name, but be sure you are eating with the intention to fuel and restore your body.
Use Essential Oils- If you’ve already found yourself with the Break Up Flu or are wanting to prevent it, essential oils can be a very healing resource to you that serve both the purpose of easing the symptoms of the illness and also easing the discomfort of the breakup transition… hopefully before you get sick at all. Here are some oils that can be used for dual purpose in this situation.
Eucalyptus – If you have ever smelled eucalyptus, then you know it is good for “breaking things up.” Its distinctively powerful smell is often used to help breakup chest and nasal congestion and to ease breathing. However, it also has an emotional role of relaxing and helping to breakup and release trapped emotions within the body. Diffusing this or adding a few drops in a spray bottle to freshen the air is a great way of cleansing the air, your body, and your emotions from the negative weight you may be carrying.
Neroli- This one is not as common but was added in a roller ball version to doTERRA’s line up last year (visit my site HERE for more information on doTERRA oils). Neroli is more rare because it takes upwards of 1000 pounds of the flowers to be handpicked from the bitter orange tree (Citrus aurantium). This is hands down my favorite essential oil and I often use the rollerball in lieu of perfume because it naturally boosts self confidence and promotes self love- things that are SO essential during a breakup. It also helps to elevate energy levels and mood which will help when recovering from any physical illness as well.
Deep Blue Blend- This signature doTERRA blend is so powerful that I have found when diffusing it, my clogged ears will ‘pop’ when I am sick and this is the only thing that helps me with that pressure and congestion. It is also great to massage on the body to help with the aches and pains and has an uplifting effect on your energy levels.
Lavender – Tried and true, lavender essential oil promotes the body’s natural antihistamine effects and not only helps with sinus pain and coughing, but helps with relaxation and stress relief. This oil should be added to your lotion or body oil to apply on your skin each day while going through any transition to help keep you relaxed and grounded.
The most important thing during a breakup is to take care of yourself. Everything will sort itself out but you need to take care of your health first and foremost and… Just. Keep. Going.