The flags are at half mast today as they have been most of the week… as they have been more in the past few years than I ever remember they were throughout the years before I became an “adult.” As I drive by the flags and recognize that they are lowered, I try to consciously remember the reasons each time: a former president’s passing, an attack on a government installation somewhere in the world, another mass shooting in another state I’d never been to. And for a quick moment, I try to take a second out of my day on my commute to remember… to force myself to really think about the reason for the memorial through human eyes.

However, it simply doesn’t ever seem to process quite right. It all feels more like remembering the trailer for a scary movie I had seen on TV earlier in the week. We see these tragedies more and more and more throughout the world and it is something I feel myself becoming numb to and I do not like it. But, I comfort myself in the knowledge that if it happened here locally, I would feel different. It would impact me and I would really feel something deeper and more human about it all.

Last Friday, I get a random notification on FB.

“Mark yourself safe from Virginia Beach Municipal Center Shooting?: I am safe or Does not apply to me.”

Wait, what?

“6 people have been confirmed dead- 4 hospitalized.”

Did that say the Municipal center? As in … the courthouse complex?

The Facebook messenger starts going off from a friend in Canada.

-“You ok?!”


-“Good, was worried”


-“Shooting in Virginia Beach… 11 people killed”

(Wait… its 11 now?!)

-“Oh. That. Yes, different side of town. Completely crazy. Thank you for checking on me.”

… different side of town… as if that made it as far away as Sandy Hook or somewhere else I was unfamiliar with. But, it wasn’t unfamiliar. I used to live in Courthouse Estates just a few blocks from the center. I regularly go to the municipal center for permits and licenses for my business.

And yet, it still wasn’t registering.

“12 people killed in Virginia Beach Shooting on Friday. Deadliest mass shooting of the 2019 so far.”

I hear this on the news Monday at the doctor’s office in the waiting room from some national news channel.

“…so far.”

Today, I sat on my therapist’s couch and mentioned how disconnected I feel to it all. Literally, I feel so guilty and cruel because I don’t feel what I thought I should. She shares with me that she has had similar conversations with many people this week. We all are feeling disconnected from it.

It all seems very surreal to me. But everywhere I go this week, I see shirts and stickers and it written all over the marquees of all of the businesses: VB Strong.

But, I don’t feel strong. I feel numb… and vulnerable because I feel I shouldn’t.

The thing that really gets to me is how I know how it feels to have a mental break… but, I’ve always felt that I could always ask someone, somewhere for help. The man who did this worked for the city IN the courthouse complex… at anytime, he could have walked into any building… the courthouse, the jail… anywhere and told someone that he was a danger to himself and others and he would have gotten the help he needed within a matter of moments. But, did HE know this?

We are taught so many things throughout our lives. We learn about ‘stranger danger’, ‘stop, drop, and roll’ if we catch fire, the warning signs for a choking victim and how to render aid. However, we aren’t ever taught what to do when WE are our own enemy. What are the warning signs of mental health? Where are the posters on the back of doors in breakrooms at work outlining who you can go to for help? We get annual physicals for every part of our body, but we never take a look at mental health and we really rarely even talk about it. Hell, and if you do, there’s a stigma upon you because you’re “crazy.”

I don’t have the answers, I really wish I had even one solution, but I don’t. All I know that I am going to keep going and talking to my therapist to help myself learn how to connect better with those around me and to prevent the world of social media friendships, text only communication, and a revolving door of heinous acts of violence to desensitize me any further. Most importantly, I will continue to be a advocate for mental health awareness… for myself, for the victims, for our community. That is the only answer I can give and how I can be strong for my community. I just wish I had a better answer for all this. I really do.

Love and Broken Things

A relationship is more of an assignment than a choice. We can walk away from the assignment, but we cannot walk away from the lessons it presents. We stay with a relationship until a lesson is learned, or we simply learn it another way.” – Marianne Williamson

alone-backlit-bokeh-1649068Last year, a man I was dating asked me to describe “my type” and I told him I didn’t have one. His jealous nature tried to piece together based on conversations and similarities of previous boyfriends and suitors what type of men I was attracted to… but in truth, the appearances of the men I find myself connected to are all quite different. However, there is one thing that seems to be common among them all.

I seems to have this uncanny ability to walk into any room at any given day and gravitate towards the most broken thing in the room. That darkness within the soul, that broken longing calls out to my own and fosters an immediate and extremely intense chemistry. It isn’t even a concious thing at all. Seemingly, these potential suitors all appear to have their schtuff together but within a few weeks, I can see the pattern emerging.

This happens for so many of us who identify as healers or empaths and the cycle is just positively exhausting. My eyes are starting to open up to the cycle and recently, I’ve been cutting ties left and right, but I still feel guilty. It still hurts. This last connection I have made has left me numb and in shock. Something that seemed so right, went so wrong so fast… and yet, there’s that dumbass heart again in all of its feelers towards him.

So, being the proper Virgo that I am, I analyze the big WHY. Why do I find all the broken things in the world and why do I feel compelled to fall into them?

Do I feel I can “fix” them? : No. I didn’t even think that He was broken when we met. I am TIRED of being derailed in life and setting aside my goals and my time to rehab others. I can barely keep myself straight… so no, I am not a Tinker Fairy and I do not want to fix anyone.

Do I want to be needed? : Partially, yes, I think so. I’ve never had great self esteem (that’s putting it quite mildly actually) so if someone needs me, then they won’t leave, right? I’ve learned the hard way that they do in fact leave. That isn’t a real and lasting reason to need someone in your life and so that never really holds weight in the real world.

This is what I know to be true.

  1. I know that I am a guide for lost souls. I am a mentor and a light, a teacher and counselor and I have been here for many lives… so, many of the people who I come across here are those who I’ve been involved with across many lives and we all have a lesson to learn in this one.
  2. I cannot turn my back on someone I care for, even to my own detriment. So, I will drag myself through firey coals if need be to help someone who I love in their time of need. But, that doesn’t mean that my place in their life is a forever one, nor is their place in mine.
  3. I am a damn bleeding heart martyr. It is hard for me to put my own sanity above the suffering I see in another… even when I should walk away… even when there are sooo many red flags… I have to say that I left ALL that I had on the floor when I walked out the room. Too often, I do leave ALL that I have. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
  4. I suck at being alone. I am not the kinda woman who you can date casually… I am all or nothing and when it is nothing – ugh. Just ugh.

This is what I am learning.

  1. Maybe, I am part of someone’s lesson in their life. Maybe I am meant to be in this life chapter for them; however, I cannot force my light into the room of someone who has conciously put up black out curtains. I have to retain my hope.
  2. Unless we’re talking about my child, someone else’s life lesson is not worth my heartbreak and pain.

So… maybe my lesson in this chapter is that I am here to help others, but not to sacrifice my heart for them to learn a lesson they aren’t yet ready to see. When they are ready to learn it, they will. The universe will provide that path for them.

New Year’s Resolutions are Just the WORST

Yup, I said it… fight me.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that it is a beautiful thing to want to grow, to be better, to do more. However, the word “resolution” has a certain kinda feeling about it. There are underlying connotations that unofficially are tied into the word. Here are the “lies” that we tell ourselves about our resolutions and why it makes me cringe when I hear that word.

  1. “This will be the year I ‘fix’ XYZ about myself” – No, just no. You came in to 2019 as the product of what you learned, experienced, conquered, and grew from in the previous year. You don’t need to FIX a damn thing… you are NOT broken in anyway. This is where you are in your journey and I am glad you are exactly who and what you are in this moment. You went through some crap last year. When you started the year, you didn’t know that crap was coming your way. I commend you for all the hurdles that you jumped to be who you are right now.
  2. “Starting Jan. 1, everything is going to be different.” – Why? How? All that happened is that you changed from one paper calendar with a puppy on the cover to another paper calendar with a different set of puppies. Jan. 1 is just one day. There is no magic switch where EVERYTHING is going to change and that pressure is completely unnecessary. Got some things you wanna change and do and accomplish? Sweet! Me too… let’s make a list and make small changes over time- across the entirety of our calendars and keep growing day by day by day.
  3. “I am just gonna blow my resolutions anyways! We ALL do!” – Then what is the point? The word “resolution” has this connotation of being this silly thing that we set each year because it is a societal expectation to have a few to talk about in polite conversation, but they don’t actually mean anything. Then, just don’t. I don’t set ‘resolutions’ for myself because people don’t take that word seriously. I set goals… and technically, I set one improbable goal each year- a goal that is a challenge to my inner badassery. But, I set it with every intention of achieving it by the end of the year and I make all of my small steps about that focus. Sure, I have things I want to accomplish this year in my massage and jewelry businesses, I have things I want to do in the realm of my own self development… but, my improbable goal this year is to run a 5K (this is huge for me because, I am not built for speed, or running, or things I don’t like doing). But, I’m not making a ‘resolution’ to run 5 days a week starting Jan. 1 that I would never actually keep. Words have power.

I am still working on my 2019 goals… I have so many things I want to accomplish in life, so its always a work in progress to determine what I want to do this year. But, I know what I don’t want to do… I don’t want to diminish my light or make my goals feel small by equating them to a silly tradition we just go through the motions for.

I have a word this year: Roots. This is my theme… to grow roots in my business, to return to my roots as a healer, to buy a home or come damned close to being ready to… to create a life that is authentic to my soul, stable in my needs for my son and I to feel at ease, and to find peace in the motions of my day. The goals that I develop for myself this year will all be tied into that word, that feeling, that need.

And I will not fail… not in January… not ever.

…And Then Life Got in the Way.

I feel like there is so much THAT-ness in that title. Every season, things change for me because the pace of my life has always been entirely too fast, too hectic, with so much muchness that I feel like I’m always just a breath away from bursting at the seams… which is probably a very good way to describe anxiety now that I think of it and THAT is exactly the mode that my brain has been in recently. But, what I absolutely know to be certain is that I am in desperate need of returning to myself. 

So, let me fill in the gaps of the past few months as best I can.

First things first… I determined, yet again, that I do too damn much. I always aspire to be one of those women who have a flourishing business, well adjusted children, a tidy home, pinterest made crafts, a hobby, a rocking body, writes a best selling book, and is dedicated to a daily yoga and meditation practice. But fuck, I can barely remember to pack a lunch, stay awake to help my son with his homework, and pick up dog food on my way home. But, when I talk to people about what I am “up to these days” I always get told I am doing too much and yet, I feel like I can never do enough to make myself or anyone else happy. So, Ive been piling on the busy work… and well, something had to give. I’ve taken a step back from weight loss and my own personal training to focus on studying for my personal training certification exam. I stopped doing online fitness coaching and for a while even stopped dating. 

I am proud to say that I passed that exam and am now a Certified Personal Trainer through NASM – something I NEVER in a million years saw myself doing, but I’ve learned so much about the fitness industry and the body and yet… I still find it all intimidating. It’s like now that I have this fancy piece of paper and this amazing accomplishment I should be feeling totally empowered to hit the gym and train like a beast right? Ok, so I say that to say this… I am very proud of what I was able to accomplish through hard work and sacrifice in studying long hours and late nights to learn something on my own that was a completely foreign concept to me; however, at no point should I rely on another piece of paper to fulfill me or make me happier or more readier to work towards my goals than I am (or you are) in this very moment. Everything that one needs to be a badass is inside of the little passion bubble that beats in the chest. 

So it’s time to make a plan, set a new goal, and get back to work. 

And then there’s the whole “pursuit of happiness” element… how do I say this in a way that makes sense… I am still working on acclimating to the silently still vastness of being single. I understand that will make no sense to many of you but for those who it does, I wish I could hug you right now. I have lived my life as part of a half – as the “other part of the ampersand” since I was 12 years old and the longest I’ve ever been single up until this year has been 2 weeks. To those of you who have spent long lengths of time seeking a partner, I understand how that sounds like complaining… but, being alone without a text message or a call to respond to at the end of the work day or someone to ‘do something’ for or with is… uncomfortable… Like wearing an itchy wool sweater you cannot take off. It has been nearly a year now since my live in partner of 3 years packed up and walked out of my life while I was at work one day and I am still finding myself struggling to decide how to fill the hours of my day without someone to ‘check with’ to determine what “our” plans for the day were. Hell, it took me a few months before I could even remember that I was supposed to order my taco salad without cheese because he had always done that for me.

Being single still feels very unnatural to me. However, after this year of having fallen in love with someone who hurt me deeper than anyone before or since and then being involved with a man who’s life motto is “I have no clue what I want from day to day” I have become cynical and very, very picky. 2018 has been the year of forced emotional antihistamine… I would rather force myself to be ‘itchy’ and walk away from anyone who wont fully choose me than to choose to settle just so that I am not alone.

So, with that realization in mind, the pursuit of happiness is not in the hands of another, but in finding out through exploration what makes ME happy. I am focusing on my goals, my relationship with my family, my businesses, developing my tarot and divination skills, reading, writing… and being my authentic self.

… so that is the Cliffs Notes version of where we are.

More Happy. Less Bullshit. Chaos Cancelled.

A Chapter on Forgiveness and How to “Elsa That Shit”

adult art artist artistic

Forgiveness is a bitch. It is a concept that has really been pressed upon me recently… the art of forgiveness and letting go. I find I am reminding myself to “Elsa that shit” more days than I don’t so its obviously something that has been presented to me to work on. That’s how I like to see life. If it is something that you’re repeatedly challenged with, that’s your lesson that you need to be learning. That’s the “chapter” of life’s textbook that you’re supposed to be working on right now.

I tend to get very attached to people and situations very quickly. I go from the gut and the heart and when I actually feel butterflies, it’s a BIG deal. So, when things end or go a way that varies from my expectations, I know it is my own attachment to the outcome that makes it hard for me to deal and let it goooo.

So, this year the Great Spirit has blessed me with some very big life lessons in the form of two humans. One will do anything to try to hurt me the other will say anything to try to tear me down. In both relationships, I have bent over backwards to try to salvage the relationship and make them happy, even at the sake of sacrificing what I felt comfortable with taking.

This is what I have learned.
1) Manage my expectations – I cannot expect for everyone to act and do as I would in any given situation, they are living their own journey which is molded my their past conditioning and karma and I am here to live my journey along side theirs in this chapter.
2) Their words/actions are not a reflection of myself – There is something that is the catalyst for their actions and as long as I have done the best by them that I can, that’s all I can do. I am a good human in and of my own right. All I can do is love them and wish them better days on their journey.
3) I am okay – Seriously. Whatever happens it is not the end of the world, just the end of the chapter. I am okay. You are okay. Even if what you did/said/didn’t do was not, I just have to accept that it is something that I have to release (along with you) and move forward.
4) Moving forward and moving on are separate things – You can still love someone and continue in your life without them. If someone crosses your boundaries in a way that cannot be repaired. It is ok to love them, forgive them, and go on without them as best you can. Just because someone you love hurt you does not mean that you have to stop existing and it doesn’t mean you stop loving them in your own way.
5) Closure is bullshit – Yup, I said it. Closure is a concept that rarely ever pans out. If you don’t receive the closure you crave, it doesn’t mean it isn’t over and that it SHOULDN’T be over… because it should. Just because you don’t get closure, doesn’t mean that the connection is a healthy and strong one. It just means that they never came up with the words or the actions to make you feel better. They didn’t do it while you were together, they probably never can.

So, it’s a process. I am still learning and healing and with full honesty, I hope they are, too. We all have to be good humans here…and it is fucking hard when we are dealing with our own karma and past hurts, bad programming and fears. I just have to accept that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you in a hard way what you need to learn the most and that is why the best thing I can do for myself and for them is to be grateful for the lesson, send them my love, and let it go.

True Devotion & the Scent of Caramel Coffee


Have a glass of wine with me and I shall tell you of a love that was not meant to be…

Actually, scratch that. That just sounds poetic and tragic and with any true love, that’s what it is. But this, this is more a study of TRUE devotion than of anything else.

We all strive to be ‘devoted.’ Do the right things, be a good person, talk the talk, and mostly walk the walk, right? If we stay on the right path and keep focused on where or to whom we have pledged out devotion, then that’s being ‘devoted.’

If that is true, then devotion sounds a lot like integrity… except its more than that. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one else sees. But devotion… is doing the right thing, unwaveringly, regardless of who is looking, FOR that which you have made a vow, spoken or unspoken to… even when its hard as fuck.

So, I tell you all of that to be able to explain all of this.

The same day that I launched this blog, birthed my creative offspring, I had to delete the line “devoted girlfriend” from the bio. I guess its true what they say about doors opening and chapters ending and all that “everything has a beginning and an end” talk. Spoiler alert: if you’re expecting this to be a sordid tale of he did this and he did that, it won’t be. But I am going to speak some real shit here… cause that’s kinda what I do and all.

I love that man. With a passionate fervor that was probably never healthy. From the moment I first saw a photo of him (yes, we met online), I was struck. That kinda moment where you stop breathing and the words “oh shit” fall audibly out of your mouth and you just know that you’re in trouble. Deep, deep trouble.

We talked all day every day, up late nights until nearly 3 AM, talking about everything and nothing. Sharing photos of our lives, our dogs, stories of our past, our hopes for a future together. When we finally met a few weeks later, I was hooked. The energy, and the chemistry, the sex… EVERYTHING was all that I had ever wanted but never knew I needed or thought I deserved. He was/is/will be the most gorgeous being I have ever laid my eyes on.

Even more than that, we saw so many things on the same level and the things that he knew about that I hadn’t experienced in life yet, were all the things that I wanted for us. I was moldable clay in his hands and had never been happier. We saw everything eye to eye… except for when we didn’t. It seemed that everything lined up perfectly and I will always know him as the other half of my soul. But the most frustrating thing about it all is that for all the ways that we were matched, there were a few things that we couldn’t get past…on both sides – I am no saint, mind you, I am a very jealous creature, and this mouth can be wicked when its hurting.

We spent the weekend together and I knew that we would find a way… or die trying. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I would have crawled on my hands and knees to him (he lives in the next state over, mind you) until they bled to be near him. I spent my days in meditation on thoughts of love, counting the minutes until my next work break so I could talk to him again. I poured every ounce of myself into him and would have practically killed to be the air he breathed. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor sobbing my eyes out when the caramel coffee scent of his vape was no longer present in my teddy bear from that weekend. (Yes, I sleep with a stuffed animal. Judge me if you must). Still, the scent of caramel coffee gets to me.

He loved me. Loves me. I don’t know where things are now. But he loved me, this I know. But there was something tragic and painful that we couldn’t bridge. I tried all that I could do to communicate with him about certain things but I could never help him to see me for who I was and how much I love him (Again, neither of us are saints… I take my blame too). But as for me, personally, I began to feel the heavy spiral. We were literally at an impasse and we began to hurt each other… to the point, I believe, of non repair. When I found myself in a constant daze of empty numbness, I knew that as much as I wanted, cried, prayed for, would give for, bleed for, plead for, scream for, and even fight for… that it was hurting us more than bringing joy.

I was devoted to him with every fiber of my being. But this isn’t the devotion that has been on my mind these past few days. I mean, of course it HAS and it always will be. During our short time together, I learned soooooo much about myself and true love and sexuality and intimacy… just everything.

Never settle in anything in life. Always live in truth, no matter what. Love at 900 mph with your hair on fire. Sexuality is NOT wrong or ‘dirty.’ Intimacy is a good thing and being vulnerable is ok. Take no small steps with the one who you love. Hold NOTHING back.

There’s so much more, but I’m pretty sure WordPress has a storage space limit.

The devotion that I’ve grabbed hands with and began to walk with… is the devotion to myself… someone I’ve never had enough esteem for or love for to put first in ANYTHING. To my mental wellbeing, my daily existence, my connection with the world and to myself. This went against everything I’ve felt, I’ve wanted… after all, how could a girl like me even get a man like him in the first place, right? But… when I met him, he transformed me. A switch turned on inside of me that made me more powerful, more passionate, more beautifully radiant, more everything than I ever have been before. More of my true self. He inspired me to be more and to never doubt what I felt. I made a vow to him to never lie or hide anything or take small steps. But, the woman that he was molding me to be listened to every word… every lesson… understood that the rope was connected at both ends. I made an unspoken vow of devotion to be the woman in my head and my heart that he saw me to be and to take care of her as I would him. So, when we began to become toxic for each other, no matter how painful, it had to stop.

True devotion and living in truth… is being in the arms of everything that you’ve EVER fucking wanted, looking into the beautiful eyes of your dreams, and taking the steps to save yourself… to save you both.

I dedicate all that I write to him and all that he turned on within me. Thank you for inspiring me to be the little girl and the woman you saw through your eyes. I am eternally grateful, my Soul

New Beginnings, Starting Over, and Lighting Things on Fire

If you’re anything like me, you’ve run so many times, or started over, or let it all fall down just to be able to start all over again…because this time- THIS time you can make it all different. You can find yourself and make it all better. Or maybe it’s different for you, maybe you’re not a runner. Perhaps, you’re stuck… trapped even, in a life or a world you really don’t feel that you belong in. You feel that you just don’t fit.

You see, the two are really not that different after all. At the end of it all, we just want to feel comfortable in our own skin. Empowered. Strong. Capable. Free. Accomplished. Loved… and loved by the person who really matters. We want to be able to love ourself, our life, our very existence in the place and the space that we are in right here and right now.

This is where I am right now. I am standing in a space in the world starting all over with the pile of Jenga blocks sprawled out in a circle around my feet, my heart filled with determination for something better and a head full of goals and dreams to create something better for myself and those I love. In my hands, I hold the tattered journal of my life’s journeys… the mistakes I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned through them. You see, what I’ve learned by studying the pages of that book of my life, is that life isn’t something that happens TO us… it is something that happens through us.

I am empowered in that message.

I get to choose which Jenga pieces I want to rebuild my life with and I can choose which pieces to light on fire. I can choose now who and what I want to surround myself with. I can choose my tribe, my vibe, all of it. I am the vessel that my life happens through, but I am also the captain of the damn boat.

… And you wanna know a secret. I threw out the old map. I’m going rogue and I am creating something new. Something more. Something mine. Something ours.

One of the pieces I know I want to keep is my voice. Somewhere in the old tower, the old “game,” my voice was lost somewhere in the base of the old round and was never brought up to the top. I think it fell on the floor and the dog picked it up and hid it somewhere… I’m not really sure. But its back now and here, in this forum, I will use it.

To share, to connect, to grow.

Hopefully, it will empower you and, if necessary, help you to go rouge, too.

With Fire and Love,

Maggie ♡