Reflections are funny things. Unless you’re looking into a funhouse mirror, the reflection is always showing you the truth. The messages that we receive are always the right ones. Its our brains that distort the truth because for some reason or another, our self worth, our view of ourselves… is never as plain as what we see. This is especially true when it’s a full length mirror.
I still see the fat girl in the mirror. I see that the number on the scale keeps going down, but I still see the fat girl in the mirror. My belt that I wear everyday didn’t even fit when I started this journey. I’ve now had to adjust it many many times. The mirror still shows me the same girl. I had to order smaller work shirts because my once “fitted” shirt and yoga pants look like they are all sagging and falling off of my frame. I run my hands down my arms and my hips and my thighs when I am in the shower and things feel more tone. I feel the definition in my muscle coming in. Things don’t jiggle as much and I can move my hands around my body with ease because it IS smaller than it was without a doubt.
But my mirror is still showing me the fat girl.
Really, I know it isn’t. Mirrors don’t actually lie. Right?
I would want to take photos for my man (yes, we will still call him that… I’m still living in that world in my head… so we will go with referring to him as such) and I would take a million photos before I felt ok with sending a single one. If I took a photo and then compared it to an old one, I would see the difference. But with each new shot, the fat girl is in every frame.
Its like I can only see the change in comparison to the old self. In comparing the way my clothes feel, the way my body can move, the way I can actually fit into new clothes, how I can scratch the parts of my back I used to not be able to reach… but my eyes still lie to me.
I wish I had the answer for you on exactly what point in the journey or what age or what size you look at yourself and say… “oh, there I am.” Unfortunately, I don’t know that. I think when you’ve been told your entire life that you are the fat girl… the one that isn’t good enough… pretty enough… built right… I think your brain sees what you are told and not who you are.
But, what I can say is that I am doing something now that I never did before. I’m going to be in the photos… take the photos… smile for them. I owe that to my love. Taking photos for him has allowed me to become more comfortable in my own skin. Even if I have miles to go, I am not going to be the one who hides in group photos or who goes years without updating photos because I just don’t want to take another photo of my round-ness.
I am going to have a sit down with the mirror, my brain, and my eyes… and we are going to figure this all out.
The Renegade Goddess 