A Chapter on Forgiveness and How to “Elsa That Shit”

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Forgiveness is a bitch. It is a concept that has really been pressed upon me recently… the art of forgiveness and letting go. I find I am reminding myself to “Elsa that shit” more days than I don’t so its obviously something that has been presented to me to work on. That’s how I like to see life. If it is something that you’re repeatedly challenged with, that’s your lesson that you need to be learning. That’s the “chapter” of life’s textbook that you’re supposed to be working on right now.

I tend to get very attached to people and situations very quickly. I go from the gut and the heart and when I actually feel butterflies, it’s a BIG deal. So, when things end or go a way that varies from my expectations, I know it is my own attachment to the outcome that makes it hard for me to deal and let it goooo.

So, this year the Great Spirit has blessed me with some very big life lessons in the form of two humans. One will do anything to try to hurt me the other will say anything to try to tear me down. In both relationships, I have bent over backwards to try to salvage the relationship and make them happy, even at the sake of sacrificing what I felt comfortable with taking.

This is what I have learned.
1) Manage my expectations – I cannot expect for everyone to act and do as I would in any given situation, they are living their own journey which is molded my their past conditioning and karma and I am here to live my journey along side theirs in this chapter.
2) Their words/actions are not a reflection of myself – There is something that is the catalyst for their actions and as long as I have done the best by them that I can, that’s all I can do. I am a good human in and of my own right. All I can do is love them and wish them better days on their journey.
3) I am okay – Seriously. Whatever happens it is not the end of the world, just the end of the chapter. I am okay. You are okay. Even if what you did/said/didn’t do was not, I just have to accept that it is something that I have to release (along with you) and move forward.
4) Moving forward and moving on are separate things – You can still love someone and continue in your life without them. If someone crosses your boundaries in a way that cannot be repaired. It is ok to love them, forgive them, and go on without them as best you can. Just because someone you love hurt you does not mean that you have to stop existing and it doesn’t mean you stop loving them in your own way.
5) Closure is bullshit – Yup, I said it. Closure is a concept that rarely ever pans out. If you don’t receive the closure you crave, it doesn’t mean it isn’t over and that it SHOULDN’T be over… because it should. Just because you don’t get closure, doesn’t mean that the connection is a healthy and strong one. It just means that they never came up with the words or the actions to make you feel better. They didn’t do it while you were together, they probably never can.

So, it’s a process. I am still learning and healing and with full honesty, I hope they are, too. We all have to be good humans here…and it is fucking hard when we are dealing with our own karma and past hurts, bad programming and fears. I just have to accept that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you in a hard way what you need to learn the most and that is why the best thing I can do for myself and for them is to be grateful for the lesson, send them my love, and let it go.

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Health During Heartbreak

 

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Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Ever since I was diagnosed with food allergies and learned how to better treat my body by not contaminating it, I’ve been blessed with rarely getting sick anymore. However, the first half of this year I’ve gotten really sick twice already. So, what gives?! As any quintessential Virgo would, I have been analyzing what it is that could have shot my immune system back down twice. Oh yeah, single life.

Both times I’ve gotten sick this year have been following a romantic breakup (something I am not used to having been married for a decade prior). But that’s not a legitimate reason to get sick, right? Well, as it turns out, it actually really is and isn’t as uncommon as you think.

The “Break Up Flu” is the lovely side effect of a traumatic event that causes you to pick up colds, flus, and other nasty loveliness more easily. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship was either apparently. The first this year for me was after a 3 year relationship and the second was after a 3 month relationship. The heart wants what the heart wants and when that ends, it causes a stress response in your body. Plus, lets be honest… are you reaaalllly eating that well during that time period? Comfort food isn’t usually packed with immune boosting nutrients.

So, it’s very important to treat yourself well in the days and weeks following the end of a relationship. No matter how well you think you are taking it, who ended it, etc. it is still an emotional and spiritual blow and you and your body all need time to adjust to the change. It is like surgery… no matter how small the operation, it still changes you.

Be sure you are consciously taking care of your health and your spirit. Here are some tips to help you get through this period and the “Break Up Flu” if it as already taken hold.

Keep Moving! – going out for walks, trips to the beach, trips to the mall (just be mindful of your spending) will help keep you out of bed, connecting with the world, getting fresh air, and keeping your lymph moving in your body.

Let it Go- I have never actually seen Disney’s Frozen, but I channel my inner Elsa on this one… Let. It. Go. Scream, shout, cry, dance naked in the forest if you want…but let it go. Holding on to that trapped negative emotion is harmful to the body. Journaling is a good outlet and if you don’t wish to hold on to the things you write, write it all out and then have a burning ritual where you burn those pages and with it all the emotions you need to release.

Eat Well (and be sure to eat)- Your body needs fuel and this time is no exception. Your spirit is healing and going through a stressful period. It may be desirable to eat a bunch of comfort food or you may not want to eat at all because of depression or loss of appetite. Now, I would never say don’t have that Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream when it is calling your name, but be sure you are eating with the intention to fuel and restore your body.

Use Essential Oils- If you’ve already found yourself with the Break Up Flu or are wanting to prevent it, essential oils can be a very healing resource to you that serve both the purpose of easing the symptoms of the illness and also easing the discomfort of the breakup transition… hopefully before you get sick at all. Here are some oils that can be used for dual purpose in this situation.

Eucalyptus – If you have ever smelled eucalyptus, then you know it is good for “breaking things up.” Its distinctively powerful smell is often used to help breakup chest and nasal congestion and to ease breathing. However, it also has an emotional role of relaxing and helping to breakup and release trapped emotions within the body. Diffusing this or adding a few drops in a spray bottle to freshen the air is a great way of cleansing the air, your body, and your emotions from the negative weight you may be carrying.

Neroli- This one is not as common but was added in a roller ball version to doTERRA’s line up last year (visit my site HERE for more information on doTERRA oils). Neroli is more rare because it takes upwards of 1000 pounds of the flowers to be handpicked from the bitter orange tree (Citrus aurantium). This is hands down my favorite essential oil and I often use the rollerball in lieu of perfume because it naturally boosts self confidence and promotes self love- things that are SO essential during a breakup. It also helps to elevate energy levels and mood which will help when recovering from any physical illness as well.

Deep Blue Blend- This signature doTERRA blend is so powerful that I have found when diffusing it, my clogged ears will ‘pop’ when I am sick and this is the only thing that helps me with that pressure and congestion. It is also great to massage on the body to help with the aches and pains and has an uplifting effect on your energy levels.

Lavender – Tried and true, lavender essential oil promotes the body’s natural antihistamine effects and not only helps with sinus pain and coughing, but helps with relaxation and stress relief. This oil should be added to your lotion or body oil to apply on your skin each day while going through any transition to help keep you relaxed and grounded.

The most important thing during a breakup is to take care of yourself. Everything will sort itself out but you need to take care of your health first and foremost and… Just. Keep. Going.

True Devotion & the Scent of Caramel Coffee

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Have a glass of wine with me and I shall tell you of a love that was not meant to be…

Actually, scratch that. That just sounds poetic and tragic and with any true love, that’s what it is. But this, this is more a study of TRUE devotion than of anything else.

We all strive to be ‘devoted.’ Do the right things, be a good person, talk the talk, and mostly walk the walk, right? If we stay on the right path and keep focused on where or to whom we have pledged out devotion, then that’s being ‘devoted.’

If that is true, then devotion sounds a lot like integrity… except its more than that. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one else sees. But devotion… is doing the right thing, unwaveringly, regardless of who is looking, FOR that which you have made a vow, spoken or unspoken to… even when its hard as fuck.

So, I tell you all of that to be able to explain all of this.

The same day that I launched this blog, birthed my creative offspring, I had to delete the line “devoted girlfriend” from the bio. I guess its true what they say about doors opening and chapters ending and all that “everything has a beginning and an end” talk. Spoiler alert: if you’re expecting this to be a sordid tale of he did this and he did that, it won’t be. But I am going to speak some real shit here… cause that’s kinda what I do and all.

I love that man. With a passionate fervor that was probably never healthy. From the moment I first saw a photo of him (yes, we met online), I was struck. That kinda moment where you stop breathing and the words “oh shit” fall audibly out of your mouth and you just know that you’re in trouble. Deep, deep trouble.

We talked all day every day, up late nights until nearly 3 AM, talking about everything and nothing. Sharing photos of our lives, our dogs, stories of our past, our hopes for a future together. When we finally met a few weeks later, I was hooked. The energy, and the chemistry, the sex… EVERYTHING was all that I had ever wanted but never knew I needed or thought I deserved. He was/is/will be the most gorgeous being I have ever laid my eyes on.

Even more than that, we saw so many things on the same level and the things that he knew about that I hadn’t experienced in life yet, were all the things that I wanted for us. I was moldable clay in his hands and had never been happier. We saw everything eye to eye… except for when we didn’t. It seemed that everything lined up perfectly and I will always know him as the other half of my soul. But the most frustrating thing about it all is that for all the ways that we were matched, there were a few things that we couldn’t get past…on both sides – I am no saint, mind you, I am a very jealous creature, and this mouth can be wicked when its hurting.

We spent the weekend together and I knew that we would find a way… or die trying. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I would have crawled on my hands and knees to him (he lives in the next state over, mind you) until they bled to be near him. I spent my days in meditation on thoughts of love, counting the minutes until my next work break so I could talk to him again. I poured every ounce of myself into him and would have practically killed to be the air he breathed. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor sobbing my eyes out when the caramel coffee scent of his vape was no longer present in my teddy bear from that weekend. (Yes, I sleep with a stuffed animal. Judge me if you must). Still, the scent of caramel coffee gets to me.

He loved me. Loves me. I don’t know where things are now. But he loved me, this I know. But there was something tragic and painful that we couldn’t bridge. I tried all that I could do to communicate with him about certain things but I could never help him to see me for who I was and how much I love him (Again, neither of us are saints… I take my blame too). But as for me, personally, I began to feel the heavy spiral. We were literally at an impasse and we began to hurt each other… to the point, I believe, of non repair. When I found myself in a constant daze of empty numbness, I knew that as much as I wanted, cried, prayed for, would give for, bleed for, plead for, scream for, and even fight for… that it was hurting us more than bringing joy.

I was devoted to him with every fiber of my being. But this isn’t the devotion that has been on my mind these past few days. I mean, of course it HAS and it always will be. During our short time together, I learned soooooo much about myself and true love and sexuality and intimacy… just everything.

Never settle in anything in life. Always live in truth, no matter what. Love at 900 mph with your hair on fire. Sexuality is NOT wrong or ‘dirty.’ Intimacy is a good thing and being vulnerable is ok. Take no small steps with the one who you love. Hold NOTHING back.

There’s so much more, but I’m pretty sure WordPress has a storage space limit.

The devotion that I’ve grabbed hands with and began to walk with… is the devotion to myself… someone I’ve never had enough esteem for or love for to put first in ANYTHING. To my mental wellbeing, my daily existence, my connection with the world and to myself. This went against everything I’ve felt, I’ve wanted… after all, how could a girl like me even get a man like him in the first place, right? But… when I met him, he transformed me. A switch turned on inside of me that made me more powerful, more passionate, more beautifully radiant, more everything than I ever have been before. More of my true self. He inspired me to be more and to never doubt what I felt. I made a vow to him to never lie or hide anything or take small steps. But, the woman that he was molding me to be listened to every word… every lesson… understood that the rope was connected at both ends. I made an unspoken vow of devotion to be the woman in my head and my heart that he saw me to be and to take care of her as I would him. So, when we began to become toxic for each other, no matter how painful, it had to stop.

True devotion and living in truth… is being in the arms of everything that you’ve EVER fucking wanted, looking into the beautiful eyes of your dreams, and taking the steps to save yourself… to save you both.

I dedicate all that I write to him and all that he turned on within me. Thank you for inspiring me to be the little girl and the woman you saw through your eyes. I am eternally grateful, my Soul