I’ve NOT been consistently meeting my goals. Let’s face it and call it what it is and move forward. I’ve been struggling with some serious shit in my life and I’ve been really, really depressed. I thought I was handling it ok, saying that my studies were keeping me from being as diligent. But, my laying in bed trying to sleep it away has been keeping me from doing what needs to be done.
First, my nutrition suffered. Since my scale hasn’t been moving and I haven’t been making progress, I haven’t been writing anything here either which keeps me on track. Sure, I’ve been getting my bare minimum workouts in and still helping coach others towards their goals… but I haven’t done a single workout in a week until today. I’m afraid to step on a scale and all I want to do is sleep and cry.
I am being very gentle on myself because, all things considered, I am doing VERY well. The smile you’ve been seeing on Instagram recently has been a coping mechanism. In the spirit of the holiday, let me declare my independence and speak with full disclosure and truth. I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. (I actually just sighed after typing that one out) I say I am recovering because even when it was happening, I knew it and was starting to seek help. I have been living with a demon in my brain for the past 4 months. Even after I walked a month ago, it still continued… the verbal and emotional lashing for hours and sometimes days on end. I literally cannot imagine what those who experience this for YEARS are going through. I am jumpy, depressed, irritable, sleepy, shaky, uncertain about everything, and numb.
A few weeks ago, I saw a military helicopter pass over the parking lot at work and I jumped in my car thinking for a brief second that he was coming to snipe me and then it hit me just how far and how much damage had been done as I sat in the back seat of my car thinking I would somehow avoid a bullet that way. Completely illogical and irrational because that would never happen…but… this is where my brain has been living. Fear. Paranoia. Depression. They will rob you of your motivation and ability to function towards achieving your goals each and every time.
Yes, I am getting support. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life who I’ve shared a bit of what has happened with and are helping me to see that all the things he told me about myself aren’t true. I am being shown my value and worth. I am being treated how I deserve. Yes, I know that he will somehow read this and I may even receive messages of retaliation and this is why I will never speak openly about who… just that I want to speak and continue to speak so that I can help others to know that they are not alone.
Depression… abuse… whatever is keeping you from your goals, whatever is causing damage to your soul. I am here with you. Let’s get through this and show them that we are coming for all the things we were told we could never have.