New Year’s Resolutions are Just the WORST

Yup, I said it… fight me.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that it is a beautiful thing to want to grow, to be better, to do more. However, the word “resolution” has a certain kinda feeling about it. There are underlying connotations that unofficially are tied into the word. Here are the “lies” that we tell ourselves about our resolutions and why it makes me cringe when I hear that word.

  1. “This will be the year I ‘fix’ XYZ about myself” – No, just no. You came in to 2019 as the product of what you learned, experienced, conquered, and grew from in the previous year. You don’t need to FIX a damn thing… you are NOT broken in anyway. This is where you are in your journey and I am glad you are exactly who and what you are in this moment. You went through some crap last year. When you started the year, you didn’t know that crap was coming your way. I commend you for all the hurdles that you jumped to be who you are right now.
  2. “Starting Jan. 1, everything is going to be different.” – Why? How? All that happened is that you changed from one paper calendar with a puppy on the cover to another paper calendar with a different set of puppies. Jan. 1 is just one day. There is no magic switch where EVERYTHING is going to change and that pressure is completely unnecessary. Got some things you wanna change and do and accomplish? Sweet! Me too… let’s make a list and make small changes over time- across the entirety of our calendars and keep growing day by day by day.
  3. “I am just gonna blow my resolutions anyways! We ALL do!” – Then what is the point? The word “resolution” has this connotation of being this silly thing that we set each year because it is a societal expectation to have a few to talk about in polite conversation, but they don’t actually mean anything. Then, just don’t. I don’t set ‘resolutions’ for myself because people don’t take that word seriously. I set goals… and technically, I set one improbable goal each year- a goal that is a challenge to my inner badassery. But, I set it with every intention of achieving it by the end of the year and I make all of my small steps about that focus. Sure, I have things I want to accomplish this year in my massage and jewelry businesses, I have things I want to do in the realm of my own self development… but, my improbable goal this year is to run a 5K (this is huge for me because, I am not built for speed, or running, or things I don’t like doing). But, I’m not making a ‘resolution’ to run 5 days a week starting Jan. 1 that I would never actually keep. Words have power.

I am still working on my 2019 goals… I have so many things I want to accomplish in life, so its always a work in progress to determine what I want to do this year. But, I know what I don’t want to do… I don’t want to diminish my light or make my goals feel small by equating them to a silly tradition we just go through the motions for.

I have a word this year: Roots. This is my theme… to grow roots in my business, to return to my roots as a healer, to buy a home or come damned close to being ready to… to create a life that is authentic to my soul, stable in my needs for my son and I to feel at ease, and to find peace in the motions of my day. The goals that I develop for myself this year will all be tied into that word, that feeling, that need.

And I will not fail… not in January… not ever.

The Weight Loss Saga – NOT Pretty for a Fat Girl

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I feel like I should rename this section of the blog because that scale ISN’T moving. I haven’t even looked at it in over a week. At the start of all this, I was obsessing over that number. Staring constantly at it as if I was willing for it to move like some weight loss ouija board. But, that’s not how it works apparently.

For those who have been following the chaos that has been my journey, I started studying for my Certified Personal Trainer exam back in May and became a Coach with Beachbody in June so it has certainly been a whirlwind the past month of studying, learning, working out, and realizing that I have absolutely no reason to be attempting to get back into the dating scene when I am still all up in my feels about my ex. Soooo…. here we are, a little bit of chaos, a whole lot of busy, and trying not to eat myself into the bed permanently. The good thing is, since I’ve started this way of living, I don’t crave the more harmful foods like donuts and french fries. I crave sushi and good chicken tacos. So that certainly does help. Also, I’ve been weight training consistently so I am seeing my shape change and my peers and clients are taking note.

IMG_5173As the saying goes, don’t take the advice of anyone who’s never actually done anything. So, despite the scale not moving, progress is being made and it is allowing me to help others now join me on this path and feel more confident and healthy in their own lives.

Confidence has been a huge thing for me recently. I’ve been really struggling to find who I am without my other half or ANYONE else for that matter. It is getting better. I bought my first 2 piece bathing suit. I started wearing shorts in public. These things seem normal, but for the girl who is perpetually the “fat girl” in the room, it is a huge shift. I actually overheard that an older gentleman had been speaking to one of the trainers about me recently and said what was strangely one of the most motivating statements (at least for me) to date.

“When you first see her, she looks like she could kick your ass. But, then you see her and realize she is just really, really pretty.”

I cried a little. I have to admit. I’m so used to being “pretty for a fat girl” or the “big girl with the pretty face.” I will take “she looks like she could kick my ass” any day of the week over “she looks like she likes cake.”

 

So… my focuses right now aren’t on that number, they are on that feeling. I am seeking mental and physical strength…and some of that emotional strength, too. I want to help others, help myself, stay consistent…and pass this damn exam!!!

The Weight Loss Saga- My Independence Day (Trigger Warning)

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I’ve NOT been consistently meeting my goals. Let’s face it and call it what it is and move forward. I’ve been struggling with some serious shit in my life and I’ve been really, really depressed. I thought I was handling it ok, saying that my studies were keeping me from being as diligent. But, my laying in bed trying to sleep it away has been keeping me from doing what needs to be done.

First, my nutrition suffered. Since my scale hasn’t been moving and I haven’t been making progress, I haven’t been writing anything here either which keeps me on track. Sure, I’ve been getting my bare minimum workouts in and still helping coach others towards their goals… but I haven’t done a single workout in a week until today. I’m afraid to step on a scale and all I want to do is sleep and cry.

I am being very gentle on myself because, all things considered, I am doing VERY well. The smile you’ve been seeing on Instagram recently has been a coping mechanism. In the spirit of the holiday, let me declare my independence and speak with full disclosure and truth. I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. (I actually just sighed after typing that one out) I say I am recovering because even when it was happening, I knew it and was starting to seek help. I have been living with a demon in my brain for the past 4 months. Even after I walked a month ago, it still continued… the verbal and emotional lashing for hours and sometimes days on end. I literally cannot imagine what those who experience this for YEARS are going through. I am jumpy, depressed, irritable, sleepy, shaky, uncertain about everything, and numb.

A few weeks ago, I saw a military helicopter pass over the parking lot at work and I jumped in my car thinking for a brief second that he was coming to snipe me and then it hit me just how far and how much damage had been done as I sat in the back seat of my car thinking I would somehow avoid a bullet that way. Completely illogical and irrational because that would never happen…but… this is where my brain has been living. Fear. Paranoia. Depression. They will rob you of your motivation and ability to function towards achieving your goals each and every time.

Yes, I am getting support. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life who I’ve shared a bit of what has happened with and are helping me to see that all the things he told me about myself aren’t true. I am being shown my value and worth. I am being treated how I deserve. Yes, I know that he will somehow read this and I may even receive messages of retaliation and this is why I will never speak openly about who… just that I want to speak and continue to speak so that I can help others to know that they are not alone.

Depression… abuse… whatever is keeping you from your goals, whatever is causing damage to your soul. I am here with you. Let’s get through this and show them that we are coming for all the things we were told we could never have.