The Weight Loss Saga – The Struggle is Real

My depression has derailed my wellness. There. I said it.

I spent so much of my time last year focused on macros and ketosis and deadlifts that I forgot about meditation and kindness and deadweight (or the letting go of all of it). I threw myself into my weight loss to show that I was “getting better” when really I let my mental and financial health slip.

Another string of failed attempts at dating. Another week not being able to get outta bed. Another week of faking it.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I damn near cried. All the “treat yo self” moments and I’m gonna nap if I wanna moments led to my muscles going weak, my metabolism going to shit, and the scale doing what the scale has done for most of my life.

If only my bank account could do what my scale does… but I digress.

So it hit home for me that this is a lifetime thing for me. It’s always going to be a lifetime thing. Some people have to take medication to deal with certain conditions of the body. This is what my condition is- I struggle with my weight. Always have always will. Not that I’m saying that in a negative light. Just that it’s something I have to accept.

So I joined weight watchers. Again. Hey, it works for me. But this time, I started going to meetings. Weighing in on their scale for consistency. First week, I lost 5.4 pounds. This week, I will be happy if I maintain. I’ve struggled to get outta bed. I’ve struggled to stay awake. Why?

Because boys. Oh but of course it’s not the boys. The boys don’t tie me to the bed. It’s when things go south. When the expectations and the reality don’t match. When they never can meet up to the level set by the One. But the One hurt me too. So I can’t blame any of it on them.

It’s all me.

So, we’re scrapping the dating scene for a while. I’m learning that I. Me. THIS girl right here… has a LOT of work to do. This time we revisit things with a more BALANCED approach.

Mental/Physical/Financial/Spiritual

It’s ALL health. It’s ALL important.

And until I find the balance within myself, I will never find balance outside of myself.

5.4 lbs down… this time around (so still -45 lbs over all) … Maybe give or take based on this week’s marathon sleep campaigns. But we’re moving in the right direction and with the right mindset.

Goal is 30 down this year before the Paparazzi Convention end of July.

Ultimate goal: Peace- inside and out.

New Year’s Resolutions are Just the WORST

Yup, I said it… fight me.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that it is a beautiful thing to want to grow, to be better, to do more. However, the word “resolution” has a certain kinda feeling about it. There are underlying connotations that unofficially are tied into the word. Here are the “lies” that we tell ourselves about our resolutions and why it makes me cringe when I hear that word.

  1. “This will be the year I ‘fix’ XYZ about myself” – No, just no. You came in to 2019 as the product of what you learned, experienced, conquered, and grew from in the previous year. You don’t need to FIX a damn thing… you are NOT broken in anyway. This is where you are in your journey and I am glad you are exactly who and what you are in this moment. You went through some crap last year. When you started the year, you didn’t know that crap was coming your way. I commend you for all the hurdles that you jumped to be who you are right now.
  2. “Starting Jan. 1, everything is going to be different.” – Why? How? All that happened is that you changed from one paper calendar with a puppy on the cover to another paper calendar with a different set of puppies. Jan. 1 is just one day. There is no magic switch where EVERYTHING is going to change and that pressure is completely unnecessary. Got some things you wanna change and do and accomplish? Sweet! Me too… let’s make a list and make small changes over time- across the entirety of our calendars and keep growing day by day by day.
  3. “I am just gonna blow my resolutions anyways! We ALL do!” – Then what is the point? The word “resolution” has this connotation of being this silly thing that we set each year because it is a societal expectation to have a few to talk about in polite conversation, but they don’t actually mean anything. Then, just don’t. I don’t set ‘resolutions’ for myself because people don’t take that word seriously. I set goals… and technically, I set one improbable goal each year- a goal that is a challenge to my inner badassery. But, I set it with every intention of achieving it by the end of the year and I make all of my small steps about that focus. Sure, I have things I want to accomplish this year in my massage and jewelry businesses, I have things I want to do in the realm of my own self development… but, my improbable goal this year is to run a 5K (this is huge for me because, I am not built for speed, or running, or things I don’t like doing). But, I’m not making a ‘resolution’ to run 5 days a week starting Jan. 1 that I would never actually keep. Words have power.

I am still working on my 2019 goals… I have so many things I want to accomplish in life, so its always a work in progress to determine what I want to do this year. But, I know what I don’t want to do… I don’t want to diminish my light or make my goals feel small by equating them to a silly tradition we just go through the motions for.

I have a word this year: Roots. This is my theme… to grow roots in my business, to return to my roots as a healer, to buy a home or come damned close to being ready to… to create a life that is authentic to my soul, stable in my needs for my son and I to feel at ease, and to find peace in the motions of my day. The goals that I develop for myself this year will all be tied into that word, that feeling, that need.

And I will not fail… not in January… not ever.

…And Then Life Got in the Way.

I feel like there is so much THAT-ness in that title. Every season, things change for me because the pace of my life has always been entirely too fast, too hectic, with so much muchness that I feel like I’m always just a breath away from bursting at the seams… which is probably a very good way to describe anxiety now that I think of it and THAT is exactly the mode that my brain has been in recently. But, what I absolutely know to be certain is that I am in desperate need of returning to myself. 

So, let me fill in the gaps of the past few months as best I can.

First things first… I determined, yet again, that I do too damn much. I always aspire to be one of those women who have a flourishing business, well adjusted children, a tidy home, pinterest made crafts, a hobby, a rocking body, writes a best selling book, and is dedicated to a daily yoga and meditation practice. But fuck, I can barely remember to pack a lunch, stay awake to help my son with his homework, and pick up dog food on my way home. But, when I talk to people about what I am “up to these days” I always get told I am doing too much and yet, I feel like I can never do enough to make myself or anyone else happy. So, Ive been piling on the busy work… and well, something had to give. I’ve taken a step back from weight loss and my own personal training to focus on studying for my personal training certification exam. I stopped doing online fitness coaching and for a while even stopped dating. 

I am proud to say that I passed that exam and am now a Certified Personal Trainer through NASM – something I NEVER in a million years saw myself doing, but I’ve learned so much about the fitness industry and the body and yet… I still find it all intimidating. It’s like now that I have this fancy piece of paper and this amazing accomplishment I should be feeling totally empowered to hit the gym and train like a beast right? Ok, so I say that to say this… I am very proud of what I was able to accomplish through hard work and sacrifice in studying long hours and late nights to learn something on my own that was a completely foreign concept to me; however, at no point should I rely on another piece of paper to fulfill me or make me happier or more readier to work towards my goals than I am (or you are) in this very moment. Everything that one needs to be a badass is inside of the little passion bubble that beats in the chest. 

So it’s time to make a plan, set a new goal, and get back to work. 

And then there’s the whole “pursuit of happiness” element… how do I say this in a way that makes sense… I am still working on acclimating to the silently still vastness of being single. I understand that will make no sense to many of you but for those who it does, I wish I could hug you right now. I have lived my life as part of a half – as the “other part of the ampersand” since I was 12 years old and the longest I’ve ever been single up until this year has been 2 weeks. To those of you who have spent long lengths of time seeking a partner, I understand how that sounds like complaining… but, being alone without a text message or a call to respond to at the end of the work day or someone to ‘do something’ for or with is… uncomfortable… Like wearing an itchy wool sweater you cannot take off. It has been nearly a year now since my live in partner of 3 years packed up and walked out of my life while I was at work one day and I am still finding myself struggling to decide how to fill the hours of my day without someone to ‘check with’ to determine what “our” plans for the day were. Hell, it took me a few months before I could even remember that I was supposed to order my taco salad without cheese because he had always done that for me.

Being single still feels very unnatural to me. However, after this year of having fallen in love with someone who hurt me deeper than anyone before or since and then being involved with a man who’s life motto is “I have no clue what I want from day to day” I have become cynical and very, very picky. 2018 has been the year of forced emotional antihistamine… I would rather force myself to be ‘itchy’ and walk away from anyone who wont fully choose me than to choose to settle just so that I am not alone.

So, with that realization in mind, the pursuit of happiness is not in the hands of another, but in finding out through exploration what makes ME happy. I am focusing on my goals, my relationship with my family, my businesses, developing my tarot and divination skills, reading, writing… and being my authentic self.

… so that is the Cliffs Notes version of where we are.

More Happy. Less Bullshit. Chaos Cancelled.

New Beginnings, Starting Over, and Lighting Things on Fire

If you’re anything like me, you’ve run so many times, or started over, or let it all fall down just to be able to start all over again…because this time- THIS time you can make it all different. You can find yourself and make it all better. Or maybe it’s different for you, maybe you’re not a runner. Perhaps, you’re stuck… trapped even, in a life or a world you really don’t feel that you belong in. You feel that you just don’t fit.

You see, the two are really not that different after all. At the end of it all, we just want to feel comfortable in our own skin. Empowered. Strong. Capable. Free. Accomplished. Loved… and loved by the person who really matters. We want to be able to love ourself, our life, our very existence in the place and the space that we are in right here and right now.

This is where I am right now. I am standing in a space in the world starting all over with the pile of Jenga blocks sprawled out in a circle around my feet, my heart filled with determination for something better and a head full of goals and dreams to create something better for myself and those I love. In my hands, I hold the tattered journal of my life’s journeys… the mistakes I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned through them. You see, what I’ve learned by studying the pages of that book of my life, is that life isn’t something that happens TO us… it is something that happens through us.

I am empowered in that message.

I get to choose which Jenga pieces I want to rebuild my life with and I can choose which pieces to light on fire. I can choose now who and what I want to surround myself with. I can choose my tribe, my vibe, all of it. I am the vessel that my life happens through, but I am also the captain of the damn boat.

… And you wanna know a secret. I threw out the old map. I’m going rogue and I am creating something new. Something more. Something mine. Something ours.

One of the pieces I know I want to keep is my voice. Somewhere in the old tower, the old “game,” my voice was lost somewhere in the base of the old round and was never brought up to the top. I think it fell on the floor and the dog picked it up and hid it somewhere… I’m not really sure. But its back now and here, in this forum, I will use it.

To share, to connect, to grow.

Hopefully, it will empower you and, if necessary, help you to go rouge, too.

With Fire and Love,

Maggie ♡