The Weight Loss Saga – The Struggle is Real

My depression has derailed my wellness. There. I said it.

I spent so much of my time last year focused on macros and ketosis and deadlifts that I forgot about meditation and kindness and deadweight (or the letting go of all of it). I threw myself into my weight loss to show that I was “getting better” when really I let my mental and financial health slip.

Another string of failed attempts at dating. Another week not being able to get outta bed. Another week of faking it.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I damn near cried. All the “treat yo self” moments and I’m gonna nap if I wanna moments led to my muscles going weak, my metabolism going to shit, and the scale doing what the scale has done for most of my life.

If only my bank account could do what my scale does… but I digress.

So it hit home for me that this is a lifetime thing for me. It’s always going to be a lifetime thing. Some people have to take medication to deal with certain conditions of the body. This is what my condition is- I struggle with my weight. Always have always will. Not that I’m saying that in a negative light. Just that it’s something I have to accept.

So I joined weight watchers. Again. Hey, it works for me. But this time, I started going to meetings. Weighing in on their scale for consistency. First week, I lost 5.4 pounds. This week, I will be happy if I maintain. I’ve struggled to get outta bed. I’ve struggled to stay awake. Why?

Because boys. Oh but of course it’s not the boys. The boys don’t tie me to the bed. It’s when things go south. When the expectations and the reality don’t match. When they never can meet up to the level set by the One. But the One hurt me too. So I can’t blame any of it on them.

It’s all me.

So, we’re scrapping the dating scene for a while. I’m learning that I. Me. THIS girl right here… has a LOT of work to do. This time we revisit things with a more BALANCED approach.

Mental/Physical/Financial/Spiritual

It’s ALL health. It’s ALL important.

And until I find the balance within myself, I will never find balance outside of myself.

5.4 lbs down… this time around (so still -45 lbs over all) … Maybe give or take based on this week’s marathon sleep campaigns. But we’re moving in the right direction and with the right mindset.

Goal is 30 down this year before the Paparazzi Convention end of July.

Ultimate goal: Peace- inside and out.

The Weight Loss Saga: Mirrors, Lies, and Photographs

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Before & After

Reflections are funny things. Unless you’re looking into a funhouse mirror, the reflection is always showing you the truth. The messages that we receive are always the right ones. Its our brains that distort the truth because for some reason or another, our self worth, our view of ourselves… is never as plain as what we see. This is especially true when it’s a full length mirror.

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New Clothes Needed ASAP

I still see the fat girl in the mirror. I see that the number on the scale keeps going down, but I still see the fat girl in the mirror. My belt that I wear everyday didn’t even fit when I started this journey. I’ve now had to adjust it many many times. The mirror still shows me the same girl. I had to order smaller work shirts because my once “fitted” shirt and yoga pants look like they are all sagging and falling off of my frame. I run my hands down my arms and my hips and my thighs when I am in the shower and things feel more tone. I feel the definition in my muscle coming in. Things don’t jiggle as much and I can move my hands around my body with ease because it IS smaller than it was without a doubt.

But my mirror is still showing me the fat girl.

Really, I know it isn’t. Mirrors don’t actually lie. Right?

I would want to take photos for my man (yes, we will still call him that… I’m still living in that world in my head… so we will go with referring to him as such) and I would take a million photos before I felt ok with sending a single one. If I took a photo and then compared it to an old one, I would see the difference. But with each new shot, the fat girl is in every frame.

Its like I can only see the change in comparison to the old self. In comparing the way my clothes feel, the way my body can move, the way I can actually fit into new clothes, how I can scratch the parts of my back I used to not be able to reach… but my eyes still lie to me.

I wish I had the answer for you on exactly what point in the journey or what age or what size you look at yourself and say… “oh, there I am.” Unfortunately, I don’t know that. I think when you’ve been told your entire life that you are the fat girl… the one that isn’t good enough… pretty enough… built right… I think your brain sees what you are told and not who you are.

But, what I can say is that I am doing something now that I never did before. I’m going to be in the photos… take the photos… smile for them. I owe that to my love. Taking photos for him has allowed me to become more comfortable in my own skin. Even if I have miles to go, I am not going to be the one who hides in group photos or who goes years without updating photos because I just don’t want to take another photo of my round-ness.

I am going to have a sit down with the mirror, my brain, and my eyes… and we are going to figure this all out.

The Weight Loss Saga: My Trainer Tried to Kill Me & Battling my Bitchiness

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Ok, I’m gonna be hella real here with you… Last week, I tried working out with a personal trainer for the first time in a loooooong time. It sucked. I wanted to vomit. I walked like I had been on a long horseback ride for the remainder of the week. It was embarrassing. To think of how hard I worked to lose all of the weight originally before my son was born and how hard I used to train doing API Caveman workouts like a pro… now, I had my ass handed to me by a slam ball and a prowler sled. I knew it wasn’t gonna be pretty. That is why I wanted to try out a trainer at a gym other than the one I work in. It was a very humbling experience and one that has not really helped with my recent depression episode. I have still been going to my Zumba classes, but have not been doing any weight training since then.

This week, I’ve made a conscious decision that I can either stay in my bed and do nothing and be unhappy or I can be gracious with myself and appreciate the journey that this is going to be to get back to where I need to be both emotionally and physically. I’ve kinda been a real bitch recently. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe a lot. I’ve been hurt these past few years and I resent myself and my body for allowing myself to fall so far. But, I can suck it up or I can shut it up. I can’t keep hurting others, allowing others to hurt me, and settle for the way things are. We are ALL made for more than mediocrity and crankiness.

Today, I decided I have to take big steps towards whatever that “more” is meant to be for me. I think I was shaking when I asked my trainer friend, Jillian, to help me. I couldn’t even get the words out without bursting into tears. Thankfully, she loves me and I didn’t even have to say much and she filled in the gaps for me. She asked me to send her when I was available and told me we would figure it all out. So, I’ll still want to vomit and still be sore as hell and waaaay behind where I desire to be, but I know she will keep me consistent, push me to where I need to be, and love me as long as I don’t throw up on her shoes.

But, I know that finding my rhythm with getting back into the gym is only HALF of the battle. I need to learn how to like myself again and have a healthy connection to my body… and less of a connection to my inner jaded beeotch. Being healthy is more than a number on a scale. It is reaching your total power… inside and out. It is shedding ALL of the excess weight that you carry: body, mind, and soul. So, part of “working on myself” has to be working with an emotional trainer… AKA a therapist. So, that is my next call on Monday morning.

Down 45.3 pounds… a few life lessons achieved… time to really get to the hard work. Thanks for being part of it with me. xx

Recipe – Vegan Keto Tortillas

 

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We recently tried this one out in our Keto Journey Facebook Group and it was a really big hit. I love Mexican, I love bread, I love food, and I hate cooking complicated things (anything really) so this was a definite winner for me!!

These tortillas take about 15 mins to make and consist of only 3 ingredients:

1) ½ cup tapioca flour

2) ½ cup chickpea/garbanzo flour

3) 1 cup canned coconut milk

Making the Batter

1) Whisk together the dry ingredients in a medium sized mixing bowl.

2) Stir in coconut milk with dry ingredients until thoroughly combined. Batter should be thick but not too thick that it can’t be poured onto the skillet pan.

Making the Tortillas

3) Pour roughly a quarter of a cup onto a nonstick or greased pan in a circle. Using the back of a spoon, spread the circle out until you have about 5-6 inch diameter circles. NOTE: if you are doing this like a bread or a fritter as mentioned later, then don’t spread out the circles at all for desired thickness). The thickness should be that of a crepe.

4) Cook the batter until bubbles start to pop up. Roughly 1-2 minutes. Flip with a thin spatula and cook for another minute or two on the other side.

5) Transfer to a plate to allow to cool. Repeat for the remainder of the tortillas.

Ideas and Feedback

So this is SUPER easy. Like seriously. The hardest thing was finding the flour which I couldn’t even find in the super hippie crunchy health food store, but Amazon Prime for the win on this one!

I made these thick and thin just to get some ideas for myself on how this easy of a batter could be used for other things because with me being allergic to everything in the world, I wanted to see how versatile this could be. So, if you make them thicker, they are totally deliciously sweet fritters. I added some almond butter on one of the thicker ones and it was a sweet little vegan treat. Also, if you wanted to make them more savory, you could add some herbs and salt to counter balance the sweetness of the coconut and serve the thicker ones like a savory naan bread side for other dishes.

I didn’t eat all of them, obviously, as it makes quite a few so I saved the others in a ziplock bag for another couple meals and warmed them up for a few seconds in the microwave to make them soft again and they worked out just fine.

Hope you try these yourself and be sure to hop over to our FB Group HERE where we are always sharing recipes and support and love!!!

The Weight Loss Saga: Gym Class, Little Boys, and Real Beauty

 

My struggle with myself has been a long standing war. I think it is pretty safe to say that 98% of that battle has stemmed from my relationship with my body. Everything from being the “fat girl” to developing early to being told that sexuality was dirty and secretive. My connection to myself has struggled as a result of my hatred of my own flesh (and the amount of it). Most of my memories of elementary school are connected to not being able to get up “the rope” in gym class or being called “Fatty” under their breath by the boys in class as I walked up to the front.

Years later, I still could never get up that damn rope, I would kill to have the body that they called fat, and I still hold a grudge when these same boys have tried to add me on Facebook over the years. (Really, y’all…come on). The thing is, these comments and feelings have a direct correlation to the rest of our lives. I feel like what I see when I look at myself is not actually what others see. All I see is that fat little scared girl. I know that I am not fat… I have fat. I also have fingernails, but am not a fingernail. I’ve come to terms with my beauty being from within and that’s a pretty fucking cool way to be beautiful in a world of fake boobs and faker attitudes. And it is THAT beauty that I see in the mirror now… I am beautiful in a way that defies convention and I’m never looking back but I do want to be a healthier version of myself. I have spent so many years being strong and looking soft and it has made me powerful and a bit rage-ish. Now, I am focusing on looking strong and being soft. I don’t wanna focus in whether or not my calves will fit in boots this fall or what my shoulders will look like in a dress.

29790812_10208541335450490_1838378233797833221_nI’ve done every diet in the book and have been able to drop over 60 pounds multiple
times in my life. I should be able to write a book on weight loss, but what I have learned is that it is a lifestyle to keep it off and everyone’s body chemistry is a little different as to what will help them lose, gain, or maintain as they see fit.

There ya go. Book written. Best seller. Millions of lives changed.

For me, every time I have been able to quickly, safely cut weight and keep it off for any period of time it has been a result of a low carb lifestyle. I have realized that my mouth likes profiteroles and a glass of Riesling but my ass does not. When I was tasked with dropping 60 pounds in 3 months to join the military (there’s a long story there, but no, I am super civilian) Atkins, Two-A-Day PT sessions, and practically starving myself was a great way (sarcasm) to accomplish that at 20. But in my mid 30’s now with 3 businesses, 2 dogs, an 11 year old boychild, and a busted metabolism from decades of yo yo dieting, losing weight especially when I don’t have all day to train in the gym like I once did seems nearly impossible. For me, this is where Cyclical Keto eating (maintaining ‘cheat carb’ days to keep my body on its toes) and supplementing with external ketones has been crucial. I needed to drop weight, gain energy, and get back on track before I could even step back in the gym.

IMG_0249To date, I have lost 43.9 pounds in under 3 months. I am far from done, but I have started easing into workouts again with a couple of Zumba classes under my belt and start weight training again tomorrow at 11 am with a trainer to get me started again. Although I do not let the size of my body define the size of my life anymore, I still want to feel lighter and more alive in it.

Life is a story meant to be edited, I’m working on the whole masterpiece that is me…for me.