Have a glass of wine with me and I shall tell you of a love that was not meant to be…
Actually, scratch that. That just sounds poetic and tragic and with any true love, that’s what it is. But this, this is more a study of TRUE devotion than of anything else.
We all strive to be ‘devoted.’ Do the right things, be a good person, talk the talk, and mostly walk the walk, right? If we stay on the right path and keep focused on where or to whom we have pledged out devotion, then that’s being ‘devoted.’
If that is true, then devotion sounds a lot like integrity… except its more than that. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one else sees. But devotion… is doing the right thing, unwaveringly, regardless of who is looking, FOR that which you have made a vow, spoken or unspoken to… even when its hard as fuck.
So, I tell you all of that to be able to explain all of this.
The same day that I launched this blog, birthed my creative offspring, I had to delete the line “devoted girlfriend” from the bio. I guess its true what they say about doors opening and chapters ending and all that “everything has a beginning and an end” talk. Spoiler alert: if you’re expecting this to be a sordid tale of he did this and he did that, it won’t be. But I am going to speak some real shit here… cause that’s kinda what I do and all.
I love that man. With a passionate fervor that was probably never healthy. From the moment I first saw a photo of him (yes, we met online), I was struck. That kinda moment where you stop breathing and the words “oh shit” fall audibly out of your mouth and you just know that you’re in trouble. Deep, deep trouble.
We talked all day every day, up late nights until nearly 3 AM, talking about everything and nothing. Sharing photos of our lives, our dogs, stories of our past, our hopes for a future together. When we finally met a few weeks later, I was hooked. The energy, and the chemistry, the sex… EVERYTHING was all that I had ever wanted but never knew I needed or thought I deserved. He was/is/will be the most gorgeous being I have ever laid my eyes on.
Even more than that, we saw so many things on the same level and the things that he knew about that I hadn’t experienced in life yet, were all the things that I wanted for us. I was moldable clay in his hands and had never been happier. We saw everything eye to eye… except for when we didn’t. It seemed that everything lined up perfectly and I will always know him as the other half of my soul. But the most frustrating thing about it all is that for all the ways that we were matched, there were a few things that we couldn’t get past…on both sides – I am no saint, mind you, I am a very jealous creature, and this mouth can be wicked when its hurting.
We spent the weekend together and I knew that we would find a way… or die trying. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I would have crawled on my hands and knees to him (he lives in the next state over, mind you) until they bled to be near him. I spent my days in meditation on thoughts of love, counting the minutes until my next work break so I could talk to him again. I poured every ounce of myself into him and would have practically killed to be the air he breathed. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor sobbing my eyes out when the caramel coffee scent of his vape was no longer present in my teddy bear from that weekend. (Yes, I sleep with a stuffed animal. Judge me if you must). Still, the scent of caramel coffee gets to me.
He loved me. Loves me. I don’t know where things are now. But he loved me, this I know. But there was something tragic and painful that we couldn’t bridge. I tried all that I could do to communicate with him about certain things but I could never help him to see me for who I was and how much I love him (Again, neither of us are saints… I take my blame too). But as for me, personally, I began to feel the heavy spiral. We were literally at an impasse and we began to hurt each other… to the point, I believe, of non repair. When I found myself in a constant daze of empty numbness, I knew that as much as I wanted, cried, prayed for, would give for, bleed for, plead for, scream for, and even fight for… that it was hurting us more than bringing joy.
I was devoted to him with every fiber of my being. But this isn’t the devotion that has been on my mind these past few days. I mean, of course it HAS and it always will be. During our short time together, I learned soooooo much about myself and true love and sexuality and intimacy… just everything.
Never settle in anything in life. Always live in truth, no matter what. Love at 900 mph with your hair on fire. Sexuality is NOT wrong or ‘dirty.’ Intimacy is a good thing and being vulnerable is ok. Take no small steps with the one who you love. Hold NOTHING back.
There’s so much more, but I’m pretty sure WordPress has a storage space limit.
The devotion that I’ve grabbed hands with and began to walk with… is the devotion to myself… someone I’ve never had enough esteem for or love for to put first in ANYTHING. To my mental wellbeing, my daily existence, my connection with the world and to myself. This went against everything I’ve felt, I’ve wanted… after all, how could a girl like me even get a man like him in the first place, right? But… when I met him, he transformed me. A switch turned on inside of me that made me more powerful, more passionate, more beautifully radiant, more everything than I ever have been before. More of my true self. He inspired me to be more and to never doubt what I felt. I made a vow to him to never lie or hide anything or take small steps. But, the woman that he was molding me to be listened to every word… every lesson… understood that the rope was connected at both ends. I made an unspoken vow of devotion to be the woman in my head and my heart that he saw me to be and to take care of her as I would him. So, when we began to become toxic for each other, no matter how painful, it had to stop.
True devotion and living in truth… is being in the arms of everything that you’ve EVER fucking wanted, looking into the beautiful eyes of your dreams, and taking the steps to save yourself… to save you both.
I dedicate all that I write to him and all that he turned on within me. Thank you for inspiring me to be the little girl and the woman you saw through your eyes. I am eternally grateful, my Soul