The Weight Loss Saga – The Struggle is Real

My depression has derailed my wellness. There. I said it.

I spent so much of my time last year focused on macros and ketosis and deadlifts that I forgot about meditation and kindness and deadweight (or the letting go of all of it). I threw myself into my weight loss to show that I was “getting better” when really I let my mental and financial health slip.

Another string of failed attempts at dating. Another week not being able to get outta bed. Another week of faking it.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I damn near cried. All the “treat yo self” moments and I’m gonna nap if I wanna moments led to my muscles going weak, my metabolism going to shit, and the scale doing what the scale has done for most of my life.

If only my bank account could do what my scale does… but I digress.

So it hit home for me that this is a lifetime thing for me. It’s always going to be a lifetime thing. Some people have to take medication to deal with certain conditions of the body. This is what my condition is- I struggle with my weight. Always have always will. Not that I’m saying that in a negative light. Just that it’s something I have to accept.

So I joined weight watchers. Again. Hey, it works for me. But this time, I started going to meetings. Weighing in on their scale for consistency. First week, I lost 5.4 pounds. This week, I will be happy if I maintain. I’ve struggled to get outta bed. I’ve struggled to stay awake. Why?

Because boys. Oh but of course it’s not the boys. The boys don’t tie me to the bed. It’s when things go south. When the expectations and the reality don’t match. When they never can meet up to the level set by the One. But the One hurt me too. So I can’t blame any of it on them.

It’s all me.

So, we’re scrapping the dating scene for a while. I’m learning that I. Me. THIS girl right here… has a LOT of work to do. This time we revisit things with a more BALANCED approach.

Mental/Physical/Financial/Spiritual

It’s ALL health. It’s ALL important.

And until I find the balance within myself, I will never find balance outside of myself.

5.4 lbs down… this time around (so still -45 lbs over all) … Maybe give or take based on this week’s marathon sleep campaigns. But we’re moving in the right direction and with the right mindset.

Goal is 30 down this year before the Paparazzi Convention end of July.

Ultimate goal: Peace- inside and out.

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Love and Broken Things

A relationship is more of an assignment than a choice. We can walk away from the assignment, but we cannot walk away from the lessons it presents. We stay with a relationship until a lesson is learned, or we simply learn it another way.” – Marianne Williamson

alone-backlit-bokeh-1649068Last year, a man I was dating asked me to describe “my type” and I told him I didn’t have one. His jealous nature tried to piece together based on conversations and similarities of previous boyfriends and suitors what type of men I was attracted to… but in truth, the appearances of the men I find myself connected to are all quite different. However, there is one thing that seems to be common among them all.

I seems to have this uncanny ability to walk into any room at any given day and gravitate towards the most broken thing in the room. That darkness within the soul, that broken longing calls out to my own and fosters an immediate and extremely intense chemistry. It isn’t even a concious thing at all. Seemingly, these potential suitors all appear to have their schtuff together but within a few weeks, I can see the pattern emerging.

This happens for so many of us who identify as healers or empaths and the cycle is just positively exhausting. My eyes are starting to open up to the cycle and recently, I’ve been cutting ties left and right, but I still feel guilty. It still hurts. This last connection I have made has left me numb and in shock. Something that seemed so right, went so wrong so fast… and yet, there’s that dumbass heart again in all of its feelers towards him.

So, being the proper Virgo that I am, I analyze the big WHY. Why do I find all the broken things in the world and why do I feel compelled to fall into them?

Do I feel I can “fix” them? : No. I didn’t even think that He was broken when we met. I am TIRED of being derailed in life and setting aside my goals and my time to rehab others. I can barely keep myself straight… so no, I am not a Tinker Fairy and I do not want to fix anyone.

Do I want to be needed? : Partially, yes, I think so. I’ve never had great self esteem (that’s putting it quite mildly actually) so if someone needs me, then they won’t leave, right? I’ve learned the hard way that they do in fact leave. That isn’t a real and lasting reason to need someone in your life and so that never really holds weight in the real world.

This is what I know to be true.

  1. I know that I am a guide for lost souls. I am a mentor and a light, a teacher and counselor and I have been here for many lives… so, many of the people who I come across here are those who I’ve been involved with across many lives and we all have a lesson to learn in this one.
  2. I cannot turn my back on someone I care for, even to my own detriment. So, I will drag myself through firey coals if need be to help someone who I love in their time of need. But, that doesn’t mean that my place in their life is a forever one, nor is their place in mine.
  3. I am a damn bleeding heart martyr. It is hard for me to put my own sanity above the suffering I see in another… even when I should walk away… even when there are sooo many red flags… I have to say that I left ALL that I had on the floor when I walked out the room. Too often, I do leave ALL that I have. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
  4. I suck at being alone. I am not the kinda woman who you can date casually… I am all or nothing and when it is nothing – ugh. Just ugh.

This is what I am learning.

  1. Maybe, I am part of someone’s lesson in their life. Maybe I am meant to be in this life chapter for them; however, I cannot force my light into the room of someone who has conciously put up black out curtains. I have to retain my hope.
  2. Unless we’re talking about my child, someone else’s life lesson is not worth my heartbreak and pain.

So… maybe my lesson in this chapter is that I am here to help others, but not to sacrifice my heart for them to learn a lesson they aren’t yet ready to see. When they are ready to learn it, they will. The universe will provide that path for them.

…And Then Life Got in the Way.

I feel like there is so much THAT-ness in that title. Every season, things change for me because the pace of my life has always been entirely too fast, too hectic, with so much muchness that I feel like I’m always just a breath away from bursting at the seams… which is probably a very good way to describe anxiety now that I think of it and THAT is exactly the mode that my brain has been in recently. But, what I absolutely know to be certain is that I am in desperate need of returning to myself. 

So, let me fill in the gaps of the past few months as best I can.

First things first… I determined, yet again, that I do too damn much. I always aspire to be one of those women who have a flourishing business, well adjusted children, a tidy home, pinterest made crafts, a hobby, a rocking body, writes a best selling book, and is dedicated to a daily yoga and meditation practice. But fuck, I can barely remember to pack a lunch, stay awake to help my son with his homework, and pick up dog food on my way home. But, when I talk to people about what I am “up to these days” I always get told I am doing too much and yet, I feel like I can never do enough to make myself or anyone else happy. So, Ive been piling on the busy work… and well, something had to give. I’ve taken a step back from weight loss and my own personal training to focus on studying for my personal training certification exam. I stopped doing online fitness coaching and for a while even stopped dating. 

I am proud to say that I passed that exam and am now a Certified Personal Trainer through NASM – something I NEVER in a million years saw myself doing, but I’ve learned so much about the fitness industry and the body and yet… I still find it all intimidating. It’s like now that I have this fancy piece of paper and this amazing accomplishment I should be feeling totally empowered to hit the gym and train like a beast right? Ok, so I say that to say this… I am very proud of what I was able to accomplish through hard work and sacrifice in studying long hours and late nights to learn something on my own that was a completely foreign concept to me; however, at no point should I rely on another piece of paper to fulfill me or make me happier or more readier to work towards my goals than I am (or you are) in this very moment. Everything that one needs to be a badass is inside of the little passion bubble that beats in the chest. 

So it’s time to make a plan, set a new goal, and get back to work. 

And then there’s the whole “pursuit of happiness” element… how do I say this in a way that makes sense… I am still working on acclimating to the silently still vastness of being single. I understand that will make no sense to many of you but for those who it does, I wish I could hug you right now. I have lived my life as part of a half – as the “other part of the ampersand” since I was 12 years old and the longest I’ve ever been single up until this year has been 2 weeks. To those of you who have spent long lengths of time seeking a partner, I understand how that sounds like complaining… but, being alone without a text message or a call to respond to at the end of the work day or someone to ‘do something’ for or with is… uncomfortable… Like wearing an itchy wool sweater you cannot take off. It has been nearly a year now since my live in partner of 3 years packed up and walked out of my life while I was at work one day and I am still finding myself struggling to decide how to fill the hours of my day without someone to ‘check with’ to determine what “our” plans for the day were. Hell, it took me a few months before I could even remember that I was supposed to order my taco salad without cheese because he had always done that for me.

Being single still feels very unnatural to me. However, after this year of having fallen in love with someone who hurt me deeper than anyone before or since and then being involved with a man who’s life motto is “I have no clue what I want from day to day” I have become cynical and very, very picky. 2018 has been the year of forced emotional antihistamine… I would rather force myself to be ‘itchy’ and walk away from anyone who wont fully choose me than to choose to settle just so that I am not alone.

So, with that realization in mind, the pursuit of happiness is not in the hands of another, but in finding out through exploration what makes ME happy. I am focusing on my goals, my relationship with my family, my businesses, developing my tarot and divination skills, reading, writing… and being my authentic self.

… so that is the Cliffs Notes version of where we are.

More Happy. Less Bullshit. Chaos Cancelled.

A Chapter on Forgiveness and How to “Elsa That Shit”

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Forgiveness is a bitch. It is a concept that has really been pressed upon me recently… the art of forgiveness and letting go. I find I am reminding myself to “Elsa that shit” more days than I don’t so its obviously something that has been presented to me to work on. That’s how I like to see life. If it is something that you’re repeatedly challenged with, that’s your lesson that you need to be learning. That’s the “chapter” of life’s textbook that you’re supposed to be working on right now.

I tend to get very attached to people and situations very quickly. I go from the gut and the heart and when I actually feel butterflies, it’s a BIG deal. So, when things end or go a way that varies from my expectations, I know it is my own attachment to the outcome that makes it hard for me to deal and let it goooo.

So, this year the Great Spirit has blessed me with some very big life lessons in the form of two humans. One will do anything to try to hurt me the other will say anything to try to tear me down. In both relationships, I have bent over backwards to try to salvage the relationship and make them happy, even at the sake of sacrificing what I felt comfortable with taking.

This is what I have learned.
1) Manage my expectations – I cannot expect for everyone to act and do as I would in any given situation, they are living their own journey which is molded my their past conditioning and karma and I am here to live my journey along side theirs in this chapter.
2) Their words/actions are not a reflection of myself – There is something that is the catalyst for their actions and as long as I have done the best by them that I can, that’s all I can do. I am a good human in and of my own right. All I can do is love them and wish them better days on their journey.
3) I am okay – Seriously. Whatever happens it is not the end of the world, just the end of the chapter. I am okay. You are okay. Even if what you did/said/didn’t do was not, I just have to accept that it is something that I have to release (along with you) and move forward.
4) Moving forward and moving on are separate things – You can still love someone and continue in your life without them. If someone crosses your boundaries in a way that cannot be repaired. It is ok to love them, forgive them, and go on without them as best you can. Just because someone you love hurt you does not mean that you have to stop existing and it doesn’t mean you stop loving them in your own way.
5) Closure is bullshit – Yup, I said it. Closure is a concept that rarely ever pans out. If you don’t receive the closure you crave, it doesn’t mean it isn’t over and that it SHOULDN’T be over… because it should. Just because you don’t get closure, doesn’t mean that the connection is a healthy and strong one. It just means that they never came up with the words or the actions to make you feel better. They didn’t do it while you were together, they probably never can.

So, it’s a process. I am still learning and healing and with full honesty, I hope they are, too. We all have to be good humans here…and it is fucking hard when we are dealing with our own karma and past hurts, bad programming and fears. I just have to accept that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you in a hard way what you need to learn the most and that is why the best thing I can do for myself and for them is to be grateful for the lesson, send them my love, and let it go.

True Devotion & the Scent of Caramel Coffee

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Have a glass of wine with me and I shall tell you of a love that was not meant to be…

Actually, scratch that. That just sounds poetic and tragic and with any true love, that’s what it is. But this, this is more a study of TRUE devotion than of anything else.

We all strive to be ‘devoted.’ Do the right things, be a good person, talk the talk, and mostly walk the walk, right? If we stay on the right path and keep focused on where or to whom we have pledged out devotion, then that’s being ‘devoted.’

If that is true, then devotion sounds a lot like integrity… except its more than that. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one else sees. But devotion… is doing the right thing, unwaveringly, regardless of who is looking, FOR that which you have made a vow, spoken or unspoken to… even when its hard as fuck.

So, I tell you all of that to be able to explain all of this.

The same day that I launched this blog, birthed my creative offspring, I had to delete the line “devoted girlfriend” from the bio. I guess its true what they say about doors opening and chapters ending and all that “everything has a beginning and an end” talk. Spoiler alert: if you’re expecting this to be a sordid tale of he did this and he did that, it won’t be. But I am going to speak some real shit here… cause that’s kinda what I do and all.

I love that man. With a passionate fervor that was probably never healthy. From the moment I first saw a photo of him (yes, we met online), I was struck. That kinda moment where you stop breathing and the words “oh shit” fall audibly out of your mouth and you just know that you’re in trouble. Deep, deep trouble.

We talked all day every day, up late nights until nearly 3 AM, talking about everything and nothing. Sharing photos of our lives, our dogs, stories of our past, our hopes for a future together. When we finally met a few weeks later, I was hooked. The energy, and the chemistry, the sex… EVERYTHING was all that I had ever wanted but never knew I needed or thought I deserved. He was/is/will be the most gorgeous being I have ever laid my eyes on.

Even more than that, we saw so many things on the same level and the things that he knew about that I hadn’t experienced in life yet, were all the things that I wanted for us. I was moldable clay in his hands and had never been happier. We saw everything eye to eye… except for when we didn’t. It seemed that everything lined up perfectly and I will always know him as the other half of my soul. But the most frustrating thing about it all is that for all the ways that we were matched, there were a few things that we couldn’t get past…on both sides – I am no saint, mind you, I am a very jealous creature, and this mouth can be wicked when its hurting.

We spent the weekend together and I knew that we would find a way… or die trying. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I would have crawled on my hands and knees to him (he lives in the next state over, mind you) until they bled to be near him. I spent my days in meditation on thoughts of love, counting the minutes until my next work break so I could talk to him again. I poured every ounce of myself into him and would have practically killed to be the air he breathed. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor sobbing my eyes out when the caramel coffee scent of his vape was no longer present in my teddy bear from that weekend. (Yes, I sleep with a stuffed animal. Judge me if you must). Still, the scent of caramel coffee gets to me.

He loved me. Loves me. I don’t know where things are now. But he loved me, this I know. But there was something tragic and painful that we couldn’t bridge. I tried all that I could do to communicate with him about certain things but I could never help him to see me for who I was and how much I love him (Again, neither of us are saints… I take my blame too). But as for me, personally, I began to feel the heavy spiral. We were literally at an impasse and we began to hurt each other… to the point, I believe, of non repair. When I found myself in a constant daze of empty numbness, I knew that as much as I wanted, cried, prayed for, would give for, bleed for, plead for, scream for, and even fight for… that it was hurting us more than bringing joy.

I was devoted to him with every fiber of my being. But this isn’t the devotion that has been on my mind these past few days. I mean, of course it HAS and it always will be. During our short time together, I learned soooooo much about myself and true love and sexuality and intimacy… just everything.

Never settle in anything in life. Always live in truth, no matter what. Love at 900 mph with your hair on fire. Sexuality is NOT wrong or ‘dirty.’ Intimacy is a good thing and being vulnerable is ok. Take no small steps with the one who you love. Hold NOTHING back.

There’s so much more, but I’m pretty sure WordPress has a storage space limit.

The devotion that I’ve grabbed hands with and began to walk with… is the devotion to myself… someone I’ve never had enough esteem for or love for to put first in ANYTHING. To my mental wellbeing, my daily existence, my connection with the world and to myself. This went against everything I’ve felt, I’ve wanted… after all, how could a girl like me even get a man like him in the first place, right? But… when I met him, he transformed me. A switch turned on inside of me that made me more powerful, more passionate, more beautifully radiant, more everything than I ever have been before. More of my true self. He inspired me to be more and to never doubt what I felt. I made a vow to him to never lie or hide anything or take small steps. But, the woman that he was molding me to be listened to every word… every lesson… understood that the rope was connected at both ends. I made an unspoken vow of devotion to be the woman in my head and my heart that he saw me to be and to take care of her as I would him. So, when we began to become toxic for each other, no matter how painful, it had to stop.

True devotion and living in truth… is being in the arms of everything that you’ve EVER fucking wanted, looking into the beautiful eyes of your dreams, and taking the steps to save yourself… to save you both.

I dedicate all that I write to him and all that he turned on within me. Thank you for inspiring me to be the little girl and the woman you saw through your eyes. I am eternally grateful, my Soul