A Letter to the Girl who is Never Chosen

To the Girl who is Never Chosen,

Let me start off by telling you something that you desperately need to hear right now and I’m going to be very, very blunt. 

YOU DESERVE TO BE CHOSEN.

If you ever doubt that… please don’t. You may question your worth. You may question their love for you. But please don’t even for a second, question your love for yourself. You are so beyond worthy of so very much. 

But let’s talk about the most basic level of worth… you are NOT an optional thing. 

I get it. You love him/her. (Please know when I say one pronoun, I mean ALL. Take what you need-just hear me). You love so much and with so much intensity, that just an ounce of their love and time is more than nothing. That if you just get them to see that you love them THAT much to accept what they can give (the scraps, let’s be honest), they certainly will choose you… eventually… when they can. 

Besides, there aren’t any other suitors in the wings waiting to sweep you off your feet… this love is THE ONE. 

Of course, that is… until the next ONE… who does basically the exact same thing. But that’s how it is for you, right? This must be how love is or at least how it is for you. It’s your love karma, somehow. 

Except its not. It’s so not. 

You’re waiting for the wrong person to choose you. 

You are taking a lukewarm bath with no bubbles and telling yourself that it’s good enough because at least you’re getting clean. 

Stand up. Get out of the tub. Turn on the hot water, get out the lavender bath salts, the herbal bubble bath, throw some damn rose petals on top, and sink in… with a glass of your favorite wine. 

Choose the warm bath.

CHOOSE yourself. 

The reason you continue the cycle of not getting chosen is because you’re putting out energy into the universe that says you’re ok with the lukewarm bath… the lukewarm love…. with the hopes that it will get warmer. But, that’s not how it works. Because if they could have fully loved you… they would be loving you right now. 

So, take the super extra bubble bath, channel your inner Lizzo, and tell the Universe that you choose you and will accept nothing less than a partner that adds that same level of love to your life that you do. 

And believe me, when someone chooses you in the way that you choose you, at that moment you will realize just how worth it not settling for anything less truly is. 

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” – Rupi Kaur 

P.S. I love you, too. 

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The Weight Loss Saga: Mirrors, Lies, and Photographs

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Before & After

Reflections are funny things. Unless you’re looking into a funhouse mirror, the reflection is always showing you the truth. The messages that we receive are always the right ones. Its our brains that distort the truth because for some reason or another, our self worth, our view of ourselves… is never as plain as what we see. This is especially true when it’s a full length mirror.

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New Clothes Needed ASAP

I still see the fat girl in the mirror. I see that the number on the scale keeps going down, but I still see the fat girl in the mirror. My belt that I wear everyday didn’t even fit when I started this journey. I’ve now had to adjust it many many times. The mirror still shows me the same girl. I had to order smaller work shirts because my once “fitted” shirt and yoga pants look like they are all sagging and falling off of my frame. I run my hands down my arms and my hips and my thighs when I am in the shower and things feel more tone. I feel the definition in my muscle coming in. Things don’t jiggle as much and I can move my hands around my body with ease because it IS smaller than it was without a doubt.

But my mirror is still showing me the fat girl.

Really, I know it isn’t. Mirrors don’t actually lie. Right?

I would want to take photos for my man (yes, we will still call him that… I’m still living in that world in my head… so we will go with referring to him as such) and I would take a million photos before I felt ok with sending a single one. If I took a photo and then compared it to an old one, I would see the difference. But with each new shot, the fat girl is in every frame.

Its like I can only see the change in comparison to the old self. In comparing the way my clothes feel, the way my body can move, the way I can actually fit into new clothes, how I can scratch the parts of my back I used to not be able to reach… but my eyes still lie to me.

I wish I had the answer for you on exactly what point in the journey or what age or what size you look at yourself and say… “oh, there I am.” Unfortunately, I don’t know that. I think when you’ve been told your entire life that you are the fat girl… the one that isn’t good enough… pretty enough… built right… I think your brain sees what you are told and not who you are.

But, what I can say is that I am doing something now that I never did before. I’m going to be in the photos… take the photos… smile for them. I owe that to my love. Taking photos for him has allowed me to become more comfortable in my own skin. Even if I have miles to go, I am not going to be the one who hides in group photos or who goes years without updating photos because I just don’t want to take another photo of my round-ness.

I am going to have a sit down with the mirror, my brain, and my eyes… and we are going to figure this all out.