The Weight Loss Saga – The Struggle is Real

My depression has derailed my wellness. There. I said it.

I spent so much of my time last year focused on macros and ketosis and deadlifts that I forgot about meditation and kindness and deadweight (or the letting go of all of it). I threw myself into my weight loss to show that I was “getting better” when really I let my mental and financial health slip.

Another string of failed attempts at dating. Another week not being able to get outta bed. Another week of faking it.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I damn near cried. All the “treat yo self” moments and I’m gonna nap if I wanna moments led to my muscles going weak, my metabolism going to shit, and the scale doing what the scale has done for most of my life.

If only my bank account could do what my scale does… but I digress.

So it hit home for me that this is a lifetime thing for me. It’s always going to be a lifetime thing. Some people have to take medication to deal with certain conditions of the body. This is what my condition is- I struggle with my weight. Always have always will. Not that I’m saying that in a negative light. Just that it’s something I have to accept.

So I joined weight watchers. Again. Hey, it works for me. But this time, I started going to meetings. Weighing in on their scale for consistency. First week, I lost 5.4 pounds. This week, I will be happy if I maintain. I’ve struggled to get outta bed. I’ve struggled to stay awake. Why?

Because boys. Oh but of course it’s not the boys. The boys don’t tie me to the bed. It’s when things go south. When the expectations and the reality don’t match. When they never can meet up to the level set by the One. But the One hurt me too. So I can’t blame any of it on them.

It’s all me.

So, we’re scrapping the dating scene for a while. I’m learning that I. Me. THIS girl right here… has a LOT of work to do. This time we revisit things with a more BALANCED approach.

Mental/Physical/Financial/Spiritual

It’s ALL health. It’s ALL important.

And until I find the balance within myself, I will never find balance outside of myself.

5.4 lbs down… this time around (so still -45 lbs over all) … Maybe give or take based on this week’s marathon sleep campaigns. But we’re moving in the right direction and with the right mindset.

Goal is 30 down this year before the Paparazzi Convention end of July.

Ultimate goal: Peace- inside and out.

The Weight Loss Saga – NOT Pretty for a Fat Girl

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I feel like I should rename this section of the blog because that scale ISN’T moving. I haven’t even looked at it in over a week. At the start of all this, I was obsessing over that number. Staring constantly at it as if I was willing for it to move like some weight loss ouija board. But, that’s not how it works apparently.

For those who have been following the chaos that has been my journey, I started studying for my Certified Personal Trainer exam back in May and became a Coach with Beachbody in June so it has certainly been a whirlwind the past month of studying, learning, working out, and realizing that I have absolutely no reason to be attempting to get back into the dating scene when I am still all up in my feels about my ex. Soooo…. here we are, a little bit of chaos, a whole lot of busy, and trying not to eat myself into the bed permanently. The good thing is, since I’ve started this way of living, I don’t crave the more harmful foods like donuts and french fries. I crave sushi and good chicken tacos. So that certainly does help. Also, I’ve been weight training consistently so I am seeing my shape change and my peers and clients are taking note.

IMG_5173As the saying goes, don’t take the advice of anyone who’s never actually done anything. So, despite the scale not moving, progress is being made and it is allowing me to help others now join me on this path and feel more confident and healthy in their own lives.

Confidence has been a huge thing for me recently. I’ve been really struggling to find who I am without my other half or ANYONE else for that matter. It is getting better. I bought my first 2 piece bathing suit. I started wearing shorts in public. These things seem normal, but for the girl who is perpetually the “fat girl” in the room, it is a huge shift. I actually overheard that an older gentleman had been speaking to one of the trainers about me recently and said what was strangely one of the most motivating statements (at least for me) to date.

“When you first see her, she looks like she could kick your ass. But, then you see her and realize she is just really, really pretty.”

I cried a little. I have to admit. I’m so used to being “pretty for a fat girl” or the “big girl with the pretty face.” I will take “she looks like she could kick my ass” any day of the week over “she looks like she likes cake.”

 

So… my focuses right now aren’t on that number, they are on that feeling. I am seeking mental and physical strength…and some of that emotional strength, too. I want to help others, help myself, stay consistent…and pass this damn exam!!!

The Weight Loss Saga- My Independence Day (Trigger Warning)

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I’ve NOT been consistently meeting my goals. Let’s face it and call it what it is and move forward. I’ve been struggling with some serious shit in my life and I’ve been really, really depressed. I thought I was handling it ok, saying that my studies were keeping me from being as diligent. But, my laying in bed trying to sleep it away has been keeping me from doing what needs to be done.

First, my nutrition suffered. Since my scale hasn’t been moving and I haven’t been making progress, I haven’t been writing anything here either which keeps me on track. Sure, I’ve been getting my bare minimum workouts in and still helping coach others towards their goals… but I haven’t done a single workout in a week until today. I’m afraid to step on a scale and all I want to do is sleep and cry.

I am being very gentle on myself because, all things considered, I am doing VERY well. The smile you’ve been seeing on Instagram recently has been a coping mechanism. In the spirit of the holiday, let me declare my independence and speak with full disclosure and truth. I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. (I actually just sighed after typing that one out) I say I am recovering because even when it was happening, I knew it and was starting to seek help. I have been living with a demon in my brain for the past 4 months. Even after I walked a month ago, it still continued… the verbal and emotional lashing for hours and sometimes days on end. I literally cannot imagine what those who experience this for YEARS are going through. I am jumpy, depressed, irritable, sleepy, shaky, uncertain about everything, and numb.

A few weeks ago, I saw a military helicopter pass over the parking lot at work and I jumped in my car thinking for a brief second that he was coming to snipe me and then it hit me just how far and how much damage had been done as I sat in the back seat of my car thinking I would somehow avoid a bullet that way. Completely illogical and irrational because that would never happen…but… this is where my brain has been living. Fear. Paranoia. Depression. They will rob you of your motivation and ability to function towards achieving your goals each and every time.

Yes, I am getting support. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life who I’ve shared a bit of what has happened with and are helping me to see that all the things he told me about myself aren’t true. I am being shown my value and worth. I am being treated how I deserve. Yes, I know that he will somehow read this and I may even receive messages of retaliation and this is why I will never speak openly about who… just that I want to speak and continue to speak so that I can help others to know that they are not alone.

Depression… abuse… whatever is keeping you from your goals, whatever is causing damage to your soul. I am here with you. Let’s get through this and show them that we are coming for all the things we were told we could never have.

The Weight Loss Saga: 0.0 – I Don’t Run

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A few years ago, when I was teaching at a local massage school, I was given one of those white oval bumper stickers that runners have on their cars: 13.1 for half marathon, 26.2 for full, etc. Don’t quote me on the numbers cause well… I am not a ‘runner.’ But the sticker she gave me said “0.0 I Don’t Run.” I had always made jokes in class about not being one for exercise (truth be told, typing that just now was the first time I have ever spelled the word right without redline assistance). However, I always secretly was envious of those people who ran because they looked like they really enjoyed it for one and for two, it was just something I couldn’t ever seem to do. It hurt to breathe, I couldn’t keep going for more than a minute or two and it was just excruciatingly boring. I was the one who was constantly getting in trouble in gym class for walking and talking when we were supposed to be running the mile and I cannot even begin to count the number of times that I “forgot” my gym uniform so that I didn’t have to run.

Fast forward to this week. The scale hasn’t been moving aaaaaanywhere near as fast as it once was but that’s ok because I’ve really been focusing on making this a lifestyle and focusing more on what my body can do, making it do more, helping coach others to do more with their health, and studying for my personal training exam. Ok, and lemme be VERY honest with you. I’ve spent A LOT of time in my bed struggling with depression. I thought that I could get back into the dating scene again after my recent break up. I was wrong. I am still very much in love with my ex and I need to work on sorting myself out and coping with his loss and my actions. I need to focus on protecting myself. I do not want to be hurt again… I won’t survive another blow. So a whoooooole lot of that studying and working has been from the BlankeyFort HQ. BUT, it has made my training schedule even more important to me. I’ve had to drop lifting for a while until the doctor clears my knee again and so I’ve been using the few weeks to dive harder into my PiYo Routines and try some different things to see what hurts my knee and what doesn’t.

3 Days Ago… I got the proverbial wild hair up the proverbial ass. After I finished my PiYo workout, I opened up the new Aaptiv app I had gotten and turned on a walk/run interval session. The first few mins weren’t nearly as bad as I had remembered running to be which I attributed to the 50 pound weight loss. So, I kept going… skipped the 60 seconds of walking interval and kept going. In fact, I never did the walking intervals. I ran the whole damn mile AND then I started to laugh and then I started to cry. I felt what runners felt. I ENJOYED that time and it was mine. My heart really needed that success right now when so many things feel like they are all falling apart.

I have run a mile each day since… just cause.

I have a goal to get that sticker on my car now. I’m going to put that 0.0 at the left top corner of my back windshield and under it… I hope to soon put a 5K one… and then, see how many stickers I can put under that.

For me.

The Weight Loss Saga- I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

 

 

IMG_0265No, seriously. I really have no idea WTF I am doing.

Ok, so here’s the thing… most people who have been overweight for most of their lives are reallllyyyy good at diets. I mean, we’ve been told that we’re “fat” and need to fix it our whole lives so we’ve become experts at dropping weight and gaining it back. Side note: I put “fat” in quotation marks because fat is something you have on your body and not something you are. I also, have fingernails on my body… no one has ever referred to me as “nails.” NEVER. But, I digress…

I have dropped the same 20-70 pounds in my life over and over and over again. This cycle I KNOW is not unique to me either and plenty of people go through this throughout their lives and it kills the metabolism and just leads to gaining more and more weight back each time. At my heaviest, I had gotten up to 278 at one point. I’ve never been a petite girl and have always been told I “carry weight well” but that isn’t how my body feels about it, my knees, my back, my heart… my ability to smile.

Thing is, once I get to a halfway decent weight with a ‘diet’ and some cardio, I hit this place where I’m like “okay, now what?” That’s where I am now. I’ve lost 47 pounds but haven’t been able to get any further. The scale stops moving, my motivation waivers, and I really like Oreos. It wasn’t until I got into holistic health as a massage therapist that I really began to learn anything about the body and felt I had any control over what I could do with it. I was never an athlete, a dancer, yes… but never the particularly athletic kind… the kind that had the stage presence and the personality to light up a stage without really doing anything ‘athletic.’ I was never in sports, I am no ‘gym rat,’ never took PE class seriously, and was an overweight vegetarian most of my life… cause ya know, Oreos are vegan and all.

Basically, when I say I have NO Idea what I am doing, I totally mean that.

So, I had this crazy idea… what if I took this nutrition and fitness thing seriously? What if I learned what to do? What if I made it a lifestyle? If I took educating myself about myself as seriously as I took graduate school… I could change my whole life. I could save my life.

But, I’m not an athlete. I’ve always been the big girl. That goal seems reaaaalllllllly out there and how does one learn those things? Then, I realized that I knew nothing about massage when I became a massage therapist. I went to school to become certified. The best way to learn something is to study it… theory and practical application. Full immersion. Plus, there is nothing that holds you more accountable to your goals than to tell everyone in your life and on your blog for the whole world to see just how big your goals are.

So, THAT is just what I’ve decided to do. I’m not a “Fit Girl,” yet… but I can start learning how to become one. This week, I enrolled to study for the Certified Personal Trainer exam through NASM. I’ll be honest, I am intimidated AF and completely out of my league. BUT, I know my mind and my abilities are limitless and if I can learn the theory first and work hard to train my body, it will become limitless, too.

I have immense respect for the profession and I have no expectations for working with clients anytime soon. But, if I can get myself motivated and my body to a better state of performance… if I can reach my goals and create a lifestyle for myself, then I have accomplished what I have been told my whole life was impossible… to not be the big girl who can’t climb the rope in gym class ever again.

 

 

The Weight Loss Saga: Mirrors, Lies, and Photographs

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Before & After

Reflections are funny things. Unless you’re looking into a funhouse mirror, the reflection is always showing you the truth. The messages that we receive are always the right ones. Its our brains that distort the truth because for some reason or another, our self worth, our view of ourselves… is never as plain as what we see. This is especially true when it’s a full length mirror.

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New Clothes Needed ASAP

I still see the fat girl in the mirror. I see that the number on the scale keeps going down, but I still see the fat girl in the mirror. My belt that I wear everyday didn’t even fit when I started this journey. I’ve now had to adjust it many many times. The mirror still shows me the same girl. I had to order smaller work shirts because my once “fitted” shirt and yoga pants look like they are all sagging and falling off of my frame. I run my hands down my arms and my hips and my thighs when I am in the shower and things feel more tone. I feel the definition in my muscle coming in. Things don’t jiggle as much and I can move my hands around my body with ease because it IS smaller than it was without a doubt.

But my mirror is still showing me the fat girl.

Really, I know it isn’t. Mirrors don’t actually lie. Right?

I would want to take photos for my man (yes, we will still call him that… I’m still living in that world in my head… so we will go with referring to him as such) and I would take a million photos before I felt ok with sending a single one. If I took a photo and then compared it to an old one, I would see the difference. But with each new shot, the fat girl is in every frame.

Its like I can only see the change in comparison to the old self. In comparing the way my clothes feel, the way my body can move, the way I can actually fit into new clothes, how I can scratch the parts of my back I used to not be able to reach… but my eyes still lie to me.

I wish I had the answer for you on exactly what point in the journey or what age or what size you look at yourself and say… “oh, there I am.” Unfortunately, I don’t know that. I think when you’ve been told your entire life that you are the fat girl… the one that isn’t good enough… pretty enough… built right… I think your brain sees what you are told and not who you are.

But, what I can say is that I am doing something now that I never did before. I’m going to be in the photos… take the photos… smile for them. I owe that to my love. Taking photos for him has allowed me to become more comfortable in my own skin. Even if I have miles to go, I am not going to be the one who hides in group photos or who goes years without updating photos because I just don’t want to take another photo of my round-ness.

I am going to have a sit down with the mirror, my brain, and my eyes… and we are going to figure this all out.

The Weight Loss Saga: My Trainer Tried to Kill Me & Battling my Bitchiness

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Ok, I’m gonna be hella real here with you… Last week, I tried working out with a personal trainer for the first time in a loooooong time. It sucked. I wanted to vomit. I walked like I had been on a long horseback ride for the remainder of the week. It was embarrassing. To think of how hard I worked to lose all of the weight originally before my son was born and how hard I used to train doing API Caveman workouts like a pro… now, I had my ass handed to me by a slam ball and a prowler sled. I knew it wasn’t gonna be pretty. That is why I wanted to try out a trainer at a gym other than the one I work in. It was a very humbling experience and one that has not really helped with my recent depression episode. I have still been going to my Zumba classes, but have not been doing any weight training since then.

This week, I’ve made a conscious decision that I can either stay in my bed and do nothing and be unhappy or I can be gracious with myself and appreciate the journey that this is going to be to get back to where I need to be both emotionally and physically. I’ve kinda been a real bitch recently. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe a lot. I’ve been hurt these past few years and I resent myself and my body for allowing myself to fall so far. But, I can suck it up or I can shut it up. I can’t keep hurting others, allowing others to hurt me, and settle for the way things are. We are ALL made for more than mediocrity and crankiness.

Today, I decided I have to take big steps towards whatever that “more” is meant to be for me. I think I was shaking when I asked my trainer friend, Jillian, to help me. I couldn’t even get the words out without bursting into tears. Thankfully, she loves me and I didn’t even have to say much and she filled in the gaps for me. She asked me to send her when I was available and told me we would figure it all out. So, I’ll still want to vomit and still be sore as hell and waaaay behind where I desire to be, but I know she will keep me consistent, push me to where I need to be, and love me as long as I don’t throw up on her shoes.

But, I know that finding my rhythm with getting back into the gym is only HALF of the battle. I need to learn how to like myself again and have a healthy connection to my body… and less of a connection to my inner jaded beeotch. Being healthy is more than a number on a scale. It is reaching your total power… inside and out. It is shedding ALL of the excess weight that you carry: body, mind, and soul. So, part of “working on myself” has to be working with an emotional trainer… AKA a therapist. So, that is my next call on Monday morning.

Down 45.3 pounds… a few life lessons achieved… time to really get to the hard work. Thanks for being part of it with me. xx