The Weight Loss Saga – The Struggle is Real

My depression has derailed my wellness. There. I said it.

I spent so much of my time last year focused on macros and ketosis and deadlifts that I forgot about meditation and kindness and deadweight (or the letting go of all of it). I threw myself into my weight loss to show that I was “getting better” when really I let my mental and financial health slip.

Another string of failed attempts at dating. Another week not being able to get outta bed. Another week of faking it.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I damn near cried. All the “treat yo self” moments and I’m gonna nap if I wanna moments led to my muscles going weak, my metabolism going to shit, and the scale doing what the scale has done for most of my life.

If only my bank account could do what my scale does… but I digress.

So it hit home for me that this is a lifetime thing for me. It’s always going to be a lifetime thing. Some people have to take medication to deal with certain conditions of the body. This is what my condition is- I struggle with my weight. Always have always will. Not that I’m saying that in a negative light. Just that it’s something I have to accept.

So I joined weight watchers. Again. Hey, it works for me. But this time, I started going to meetings. Weighing in on their scale for consistency. First week, I lost 5.4 pounds. This week, I will be happy if I maintain. I’ve struggled to get outta bed. I’ve struggled to stay awake. Why?

Because boys. Oh but of course it’s not the boys. The boys don’t tie me to the bed. It’s when things go south. When the expectations and the reality don’t match. When they never can meet up to the level set by the One. But the One hurt me too. So I can’t blame any of it on them.

It’s all me.

So, we’re scrapping the dating scene for a while. I’m learning that I. Me. THIS girl right here… has a LOT of work to do. This time we revisit things with a more BALANCED approach.

Mental/Physical/Financial/Spiritual

It’s ALL health. It’s ALL important.

And until I find the balance within myself, I will never find balance outside of myself.

5.4 lbs down… this time around (so still -45 lbs over all) … Maybe give or take based on this week’s marathon sleep campaigns. But we’re moving in the right direction and with the right mindset.

Goal is 30 down this year before the Paparazzi Convention end of July.

Ultimate goal: Peace- inside and out.

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…And Then Life Got in the Way.

I feel like there is so much THAT-ness in that title. Every season, things change for me because the pace of my life has always been entirely too fast, too hectic, with so much muchness that I feel like I’m always just a breath away from bursting at the seams… which is probably a very good way to describe anxiety now that I think of it and THAT is exactly the mode that my brain has been in recently. But, what I absolutely know to be certain is that I am in desperate need of returning to myself. 

So, let me fill in the gaps of the past few months as best I can.

First things first… I determined, yet again, that I do too damn much. I always aspire to be one of those women who have a flourishing business, well adjusted children, a tidy home, pinterest made crafts, a hobby, a rocking body, writes a best selling book, and is dedicated to a daily yoga and meditation practice. But fuck, I can barely remember to pack a lunch, stay awake to help my son with his homework, and pick up dog food on my way home. But, when I talk to people about what I am “up to these days” I always get told I am doing too much and yet, I feel like I can never do enough to make myself or anyone else happy. So, Ive been piling on the busy work… and well, something had to give. I’ve taken a step back from weight loss and my own personal training to focus on studying for my personal training certification exam. I stopped doing online fitness coaching and for a while even stopped dating. 

I am proud to say that I passed that exam and am now a Certified Personal Trainer through NASM – something I NEVER in a million years saw myself doing, but I’ve learned so much about the fitness industry and the body and yet… I still find it all intimidating. It’s like now that I have this fancy piece of paper and this amazing accomplishment I should be feeling totally empowered to hit the gym and train like a beast right? Ok, so I say that to say this… I am very proud of what I was able to accomplish through hard work and sacrifice in studying long hours and late nights to learn something on my own that was a completely foreign concept to me; however, at no point should I rely on another piece of paper to fulfill me or make me happier or more readier to work towards my goals than I am (or you are) in this very moment. Everything that one needs to be a badass is inside of the little passion bubble that beats in the chest. 

So it’s time to make a plan, set a new goal, and get back to work. 

And then there’s the whole “pursuit of happiness” element… how do I say this in a way that makes sense… I am still working on acclimating to the silently still vastness of being single. I understand that will make no sense to many of you but for those who it does, I wish I could hug you right now. I have lived my life as part of a half – as the “other part of the ampersand” since I was 12 years old and the longest I’ve ever been single up until this year has been 2 weeks. To those of you who have spent long lengths of time seeking a partner, I understand how that sounds like complaining… but, being alone without a text message or a call to respond to at the end of the work day or someone to ‘do something’ for or with is… uncomfortable… Like wearing an itchy wool sweater you cannot take off. It has been nearly a year now since my live in partner of 3 years packed up and walked out of my life while I was at work one day and I am still finding myself struggling to decide how to fill the hours of my day without someone to ‘check with’ to determine what “our” plans for the day were. Hell, it took me a few months before I could even remember that I was supposed to order my taco salad without cheese because he had always done that for me.

Being single still feels very unnatural to me. However, after this year of having fallen in love with someone who hurt me deeper than anyone before or since and then being involved with a man who’s life motto is “I have no clue what I want from day to day” I have become cynical and very, very picky. 2018 has been the year of forced emotional antihistamine… I would rather force myself to be ‘itchy’ and walk away from anyone who wont fully choose me than to choose to settle just so that I am not alone.

So, with that realization in mind, the pursuit of happiness is not in the hands of another, but in finding out through exploration what makes ME happy. I am focusing on my goals, my relationship with my family, my businesses, developing my tarot and divination skills, reading, writing… and being my authentic self.

… so that is the Cliffs Notes version of where we are.

More Happy. Less Bullshit. Chaos Cancelled.

The Weight Loss Saga – NOT Pretty for a Fat Girl

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I feel like I should rename this section of the blog because that scale ISN’T moving. I haven’t even looked at it in over a week. At the start of all this, I was obsessing over that number. Staring constantly at it as if I was willing for it to move like some weight loss ouija board. But, that’s not how it works apparently.

For those who have been following the chaos that has been my journey, I started studying for my Certified Personal Trainer exam back in May and became a Coach with Beachbody in June so it has certainly been a whirlwind the past month of studying, learning, working out, and realizing that I have absolutely no reason to be attempting to get back into the dating scene when I am still all up in my feels about my ex. Soooo…. here we are, a little bit of chaos, a whole lot of busy, and trying not to eat myself into the bed permanently. The good thing is, since I’ve started this way of living, I don’t crave the more harmful foods like donuts and french fries. I crave sushi and good chicken tacos. So that certainly does help. Also, I’ve been weight training consistently so I am seeing my shape change and my peers and clients are taking note.

IMG_5173As the saying goes, don’t take the advice of anyone who’s never actually done anything. So, despite the scale not moving, progress is being made and it is allowing me to help others now join me on this path and feel more confident and healthy in their own lives.

Confidence has been a huge thing for me recently. I’ve been really struggling to find who I am without my other half or ANYONE else for that matter. It is getting better. I bought my first 2 piece bathing suit. I started wearing shorts in public. These things seem normal, but for the girl who is perpetually the “fat girl” in the room, it is a huge shift. I actually overheard that an older gentleman had been speaking to one of the trainers about me recently and said what was strangely one of the most motivating statements (at least for me) to date.

“When you first see her, she looks like she could kick your ass. But, then you see her and realize she is just really, really pretty.”

I cried a little. I have to admit. I’m so used to being “pretty for a fat girl” or the “big girl with the pretty face.” I will take “she looks like she could kick my ass” any day of the week over “she looks like she likes cake.”

 

So… my focuses right now aren’t on that number, they are on that feeling. I am seeking mental and physical strength…and some of that emotional strength, too. I want to help others, help myself, stay consistent…and pass this damn exam!!!

A Chapter on Forgiveness and How to “Elsa That Shit”

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Forgiveness is a bitch. It is a concept that has really been pressed upon me recently… the art of forgiveness and letting go. I find I am reminding myself to “Elsa that shit” more days than I don’t so its obviously something that has been presented to me to work on. That’s how I like to see life. If it is something that you’re repeatedly challenged with, that’s your lesson that you need to be learning. That’s the “chapter” of life’s textbook that you’re supposed to be working on right now.

I tend to get very attached to people and situations very quickly. I go from the gut and the heart and when I actually feel butterflies, it’s a BIG deal. So, when things end or go a way that varies from my expectations, I know it is my own attachment to the outcome that makes it hard for me to deal and let it goooo.

So, this year the Great Spirit has blessed me with some very big life lessons in the form of two humans. One will do anything to try to hurt me the other will say anything to try to tear me down. In both relationships, I have bent over backwards to try to salvage the relationship and make them happy, even at the sake of sacrificing what I felt comfortable with taking.

This is what I have learned.
1) Manage my expectations – I cannot expect for everyone to act and do as I would in any given situation, they are living their own journey which is molded my their past conditioning and karma and I am here to live my journey along side theirs in this chapter.
2) Their words/actions are not a reflection of myself – There is something that is the catalyst for their actions and as long as I have done the best by them that I can, that’s all I can do. I am a good human in and of my own right. All I can do is love them and wish them better days on their journey.
3) I am okay – Seriously. Whatever happens it is not the end of the world, just the end of the chapter. I am okay. You are okay. Even if what you did/said/didn’t do was not, I just have to accept that it is something that I have to release (along with you) and move forward.
4) Moving forward and moving on are separate things – You can still love someone and continue in your life without them. If someone crosses your boundaries in a way that cannot be repaired. It is ok to love them, forgive them, and go on without them as best you can. Just because someone you love hurt you does not mean that you have to stop existing and it doesn’t mean you stop loving them in your own way.
5) Closure is bullshit – Yup, I said it. Closure is a concept that rarely ever pans out. If you don’t receive the closure you crave, it doesn’t mean it isn’t over and that it SHOULDN’T be over… because it should. Just because you don’t get closure, doesn’t mean that the connection is a healthy and strong one. It just means that they never came up with the words or the actions to make you feel better. They didn’t do it while you were together, they probably never can.

So, it’s a process. I am still learning and healing and with full honesty, I hope they are, too. We all have to be good humans here…and it is fucking hard when we are dealing with our own karma and past hurts, bad programming and fears. I just have to accept that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you in a hard way what you need to learn the most and that is why the best thing I can do for myself and for them is to be grateful for the lesson, send them my love, and let it go.

The Weight Loss Saga: 0.0 – I Don’t Run

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A few years ago, when I was teaching at a local massage school, I was given one of those white oval bumper stickers that runners have on their cars: 13.1 for half marathon, 26.2 for full, etc. Don’t quote me on the numbers cause well… I am not a ‘runner.’ But the sticker she gave me said “0.0 I Don’t Run.” I had always made jokes in class about not being one for exercise (truth be told, typing that just now was the first time I have ever spelled the word right without redline assistance). However, I always secretly was envious of those people who ran because they looked like they really enjoyed it for one and for two, it was just something I couldn’t ever seem to do. It hurt to breathe, I couldn’t keep going for more than a minute or two and it was just excruciatingly boring. I was the one who was constantly getting in trouble in gym class for walking and talking when we were supposed to be running the mile and I cannot even begin to count the number of times that I “forgot” my gym uniform so that I didn’t have to run.

Fast forward to this week. The scale hasn’t been moving aaaaaanywhere near as fast as it once was but that’s ok because I’ve really been focusing on making this a lifestyle and focusing more on what my body can do, making it do more, helping coach others to do more with their health, and studying for my personal training exam. Ok, and lemme be VERY honest with you. I’ve spent A LOT of time in my bed struggling with depression. I thought that I could get back into the dating scene again after my recent break up. I was wrong. I am still very much in love with my ex and I need to work on sorting myself out and coping with his loss and my actions. I need to focus on protecting myself. I do not want to be hurt again… I won’t survive another blow. So a whoooooole lot of that studying and working has been from the BlankeyFort HQ. BUT, it has made my training schedule even more important to me. I’ve had to drop lifting for a while until the doctor clears my knee again and so I’ve been using the few weeks to dive harder into my PiYo Routines and try some different things to see what hurts my knee and what doesn’t.

3 Days Ago… I got the proverbial wild hair up the proverbial ass. After I finished my PiYo workout, I opened up the new Aaptiv app I had gotten and turned on a walk/run interval session. The first few mins weren’t nearly as bad as I had remembered running to be which I attributed to the 50 pound weight loss. So, I kept going… skipped the 60 seconds of walking interval and kept going. In fact, I never did the walking intervals. I ran the whole damn mile AND then I started to laugh and then I started to cry. I felt what runners felt. I ENJOYED that time and it was mine. My heart really needed that success right now when so many things feel like they are all falling apart.

I have run a mile each day since… just cause.

I have a goal to get that sticker on my car now. I’m going to put that 0.0 at the left top corner of my back windshield and under it… I hope to soon put a 5K one… and then, see how many stickers I can put under that.

For me.

The Weight Loss Saga- I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

 

 

IMG_0265No, seriously. I really have no idea WTF I am doing.

Ok, so here’s the thing… most people who have been overweight for most of their lives are reallllyyyy good at diets. I mean, we’ve been told that we’re “fat” and need to fix it our whole lives so we’ve become experts at dropping weight and gaining it back. Side note: I put “fat” in quotation marks because fat is something you have on your body and not something you are. I also, have fingernails on my body… no one has ever referred to me as “nails.” NEVER. But, I digress…

I have dropped the same 20-70 pounds in my life over and over and over again. This cycle I KNOW is not unique to me either and plenty of people go through this throughout their lives and it kills the metabolism and just leads to gaining more and more weight back each time. At my heaviest, I had gotten up to 278 at one point. I’ve never been a petite girl and have always been told I “carry weight well” but that isn’t how my body feels about it, my knees, my back, my heart… my ability to smile.

Thing is, once I get to a halfway decent weight with a ‘diet’ and some cardio, I hit this place where I’m like “okay, now what?” That’s where I am now. I’ve lost 47 pounds but haven’t been able to get any further. The scale stops moving, my motivation waivers, and I really like Oreos. It wasn’t until I got into holistic health as a massage therapist that I really began to learn anything about the body and felt I had any control over what I could do with it. I was never an athlete, a dancer, yes… but never the particularly athletic kind… the kind that had the stage presence and the personality to light up a stage without really doing anything ‘athletic.’ I was never in sports, I am no ‘gym rat,’ never took PE class seriously, and was an overweight vegetarian most of my life… cause ya know, Oreos are vegan and all.

Basically, when I say I have NO Idea what I am doing, I totally mean that.

So, I had this crazy idea… what if I took this nutrition and fitness thing seriously? What if I learned what to do? What if I made it a lifestyle? If I took educating myself about myself as seriously as I took graduate school… I could change my whole life. I could save my life.

But, I’m not an athlete. I’ve always been the big girl. That goal seems reaaaalllllllly out there and how does one learn those things? Then, I realized that I knew nothing about massage when I became a massage therapist. I went to school to become certified. The best way to learn something is to study it… theory and practical application. Full immersion. Plus, there is nothing that holds you more accountable to your goals than to tell everyone in your life and on your blog for the whole world to see just how big your goals are.

So, THAT is just what I’ve decided to do. I’m not a “Fit Girl,” yet… but I can start learning how to become one. This week, I enrolled to study for the Certified Personal Trainer exam through NASM. I’ll be honest, I am intimidated AF and completely out of my league. BUT, I know my mind and my abilities are limitless and if I can learn the theory first and work hard to train my body, it will become limitless, too.

I have immense respect for the profession and I have no expectations for working with clients anytime soon. But, if I can get myself motivated and my body to a better state of performance… if I can reach my goals and create a lifestyle for myself, then I have accomplished what I have been told my whole life was impossible… to not be the big girl who can’t climb the rope in gym class ever again.

 

 

The Weight Loss Saga: My Trainer Tried to Kill Me & Battling my Bitchiness

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Ok, I’m gonna be hella real here with you… Last week, I tried working out with a personal trainer for the first time in a loooooong time. It sucked. I wanted to vomit. I walked like I had been on a long horseback ride for the remainder of the week. It was embarrassing. To think of how hard I worked to lose all of the weight originally before my son was born and how hard I used to train doing API Caveman workouts like a pro… now, I had my ass handed to me by a slam ball and a prowler sled. I knew it wasn’t gonna be pretty. That is why I wanted to try out a trainer at a gym other than the one I work in. It was a very humbling experience and one that has not really helped with my recent depression episode. I have still been going to my Zumba classes, but have not been doing any weight training since then.

This week, I’ve made a conscious decision that I can either stay in my bed and do nothing and be unhappy or I can be gracious with myself and appreciate the journey that this is going to be to get back to where I need to be both emotionally and physically. I’ve kinda been a real bitch recently. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe a lot. I’ve been hurt these past few years and I resent myself and my body for allowing myself to fall so far. But, I can suck it up or I can shut it up. I can’t keep hurting others, allowing others to hurt me, and settle for the way things are. We are ALL made for more than mediocrity and crankiness.

Today, I decided I have to take big steps towards whatever that “more” is meant to be for me. I think I was shaking when I asked my trainer friend, Jillian, to help me. I couldn’t even get the words out without bursting into tears. Thankfully, she loves me and I didn’t even have to say much and she filled in the gaps for me. She asked me to send her when I was available and told me we would figure it all out. So, I’ll still want to vomit and still be sore as hell and waaaay behind where I desire to be, but I know she will keep me consistent, push me to where I need to be, and love me as long as I don’t throw up on her shoes.

But, I know that finding my rhythm with getting back into the gym is only HALF of the battle. I need to learn how to like myself again and have a healthy connection to my body… and less of a connection to my inner jaded beeotch. Being healthy is more than a number on a scale. It is reaching your total power… inside and out. It is shedding ALL of the excess weight that you carry: body, mind, and soul. So, part of “working on myself” has to be working with an emotional trainer… AKA a therapist. So, that is my next call on Monday morning.

Down 45.3 pounds… a few life lessons achieved… time to really get to the hard work. Thanks for being part of it with me. xx