The Weight Loss Saga – The Struggle is Real

My depression has derailed my wellness. There. I said it.

I spent so much of my time last year focused on macros and ketosis and deadlifts that I forgot about meditation and kindness and deadweight (or the letting go of all of it). I threw myself into my weight loss to show that I was “getting better” when really I let my mental and financial health slip.

Another string of failed attempts at dating. Another week not being able to get outta bed. Another week of faking it.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I damn near cried. All the “treat yo self” moments and I’m gonna nap if I wanna moments led to my muscles going weak, my metabolism going to shit, and the scale doing what the scale has done for most of my life.

If only my bank account could do what my scale does… but I digress.

So it hit home for me that this is a lifetime thing for me. It’s always going to be a lifetime thing. Some people have to take medication to deal with certain conditions of the body. This is what my condition is- I struggle with my weight. Always have always will. Not that I’m saying that in a negative light. Just that it’s something I have to accept.

So I joined weight watchers. Again. Hey, it works for me. But this time, I started going to meetings. Weighing in on their scale for consistency. First week, I lost 5.4 pounds. This week, I will be happy if I maintain. I’ve struggled to get outta bed. I’ve struggled to stay awake. Why?

Because boys. Oh but of course it’s not the boys. The boys don’t tie me to the bed. It’s when things go south. When the expectations and the reality don’t match. When they never can meet up to the level set by the One. But the One hurt me too. So I can’t blame any of it on them.

It’s all me.

So, we’re scrapping the dating scene for a while. I’m learning that I. Me. THIS girl right here… has a LOT of work to do. This time we revisit things with a more BALANCED approach.

Mental/Physical/Financial/Spiritual

It’s ALL health. It’s ALL important.

And until I find the balance within myself, I will never find balance outside of myself.

5.4 lbs down… this time around (so still -45 lbs over all) … Maybe give or take based on this week’s marathon sleep campaigns. But we’re moving in the right direction and with the right mindset.

Goal is 30 down this year before the Paparazzi Convention end of July.

Ultimate goal: Peace- inside and out.

Love and Broken Things

A relationship is more of an assignment than a choice. We can walk away from the assignment, but we cannot walk away from the lessons it presents. We stay with a relationship until a lesson is learned, or we simply learn it another way.” – Marianne Williamson

alone-backlit-bokeh-1649068Last year, a man I was dating asked me to describe “my type” and I told him I didn’t have one. His jealous nature tried to piece together based on conversations and similarities of previous boyfriends and suitors what type of men I was attracted to… but in truth, the appearances of the men I find myself connected to are all quite different. However, there is one thing that seems to be common among them all.

I seems to have this uncanny ability to walk into any room at any given day and gravitate towards the most broken thing in the room. That darkness within the soul, that broken longing calls out to my own and fosters an immediate and extremely intense chemistry. It isn’t even a concious thing at all. Seemingly, these potential suitors all appear to have their schtuff together but within a few weeks, I can see the pattern emerging.

This happens for so many of us who identify as healers or empaths and the cycle is just positively exhausting. My eyes are starting to open up to the cycle and recently, I’ve been cutting ties left and right, but I still feel guilty. It still hurts. This last connection I have made has left me numb and in shock. Something that seemed so right, went so wrong so fast… and yet, there’s that dumbass heart again in all of its feelers towards him.

So, being the proper Virgo that I am, I analyze the big WHY. Why do I find all the broken things in the world and why do I feel compelled to fall into them?

Do I feel I can “fix” them? : No. I didn’t even think that He was broken when we met. I am TIRED of being derailed in life and setting aside my goals and my time to rehab others. I can barely keep myself straight… so no, I am not a Tinker Fairy and I do not want to fix anyone.

Do I want to be needed? : Partially, yes, I think so. I’ve never had great self esteem (that’s putting it quite mildly actually) so if someone needs me, then they won’t leave, right? I’ve learned the hard way that they do in fact leave. That isn’t a real and lasting reason to need someone in your life and so that never really holds weight in the real world.

This is what I know to be true.

  1. I know that I am a guide for lost souls. I am a mentor and a light, a teacher and counselor and I have been here for many lives… so, many of the people who I come across here are those who I’ve been involved with across many lives and we all have a lesson to learn in this one.
  2. I cannot turn my back on someone I care for, even to my own detriment. So, I will drag myself through firey coals if need be to help someone who I love in their time of need. But, that doesn’t mean that my place in their life is a forever one, nor is their place in mine.
  3. I am a damn bleeding heart martyr. It is hard for me to put my own sanity above the suffering I see in another… even when I should walk away… even when there are sooo many red flags… I have to say that I left ALL that I had on the floor when I walked out the room. Too often, I do leave ALL that I have. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
  4. I suck at being alone. I am not the kinda woman who you can date casually… I am all or nothing and when it is nothing – ugh. Just ugh.

This is what I am learning.

  1. Maybe, I am part of someone’s lesson in their life. Maybe I am meant to be in this life chapter for them; however, I cannot force my light into the room of someone who has conciously put up black out curtains. I have to retain my hope.
  2. Unless we’re talking about my child, someone else’s life lesson is not worth my heartbreak and pain.

So… maybe my lesson in this chapter is that I am here to help others, but not to sacrifice my heart for them to learn a lesson they aren’t yet ready to see. When they are ready to learn it, they will. The universe will provide that path for them.

New Year’s Resolutions are Just the WORST

Yup, I said it… fight me.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that it is a beautiful thing to want to grow, to be better, to do more. However, the word “resolution” has a certain kinda feeling about it. There are underlying connotations that unofficially are tied into the word. Here are the “lies” that we tell ourselves about our resolutions and why it makes me cringe when I hear that word.

  1. “This will be the year I ‘fix’ XYZ about myself” – No, just no. You came in to 2019 as the product of what you learned, experienced, conquered, and grew from in the previous year. You don’t need to FIX a damn thing… you are NOT broken in anyway. This is where you are in your journey and I am glad you are exactly who and what you are in this moment. You went through some crap last year. When you started the year, you didn’t know that crap was coming your way. I commend you for all the hurdles that you jumped to be who you are right now.
  2. “Starting Jan. 1, everything is going to be different.” – Why? How? All that happened is that you changed from one paper calendar with a puppy on the cover to another paper calendar with a different set of puppies. Jan. 1 is just one day. There is no magic switch where EVERYTHING is going to change and that pressure is completely unnecessary. Got some things you wanna change and do and accomplish? Sweet! Me too… let’s make a list and make small changes over time- across the entirety of our calendars and keep growing day by day by day.
  3. “I am just gonna blow my resolutions anyways! We ALL do!” – Then what is the point? The word “resolution” has this connotation of being this silly thing that we set each year because it is a societal expectation to have a few to talk about in polite conversation, but they don’t actually mean anything. Then, just don’t. I don’t set ‘resolutions’ for myself because people don’t take that word seriously. I set goals… and technically, I set one improbable goal each year- a goal that is a challenge to my inner badassery. But, I set it with every intention of achieving it by the end of the year and I make all of my small steps about that focus. Sure, I have things I want to accomplish this year in my massage and jewelry businesses, I have things I want to do in the realm of my own self development… but, my improbable goal this year is to run a 5K (this is huge for me because, I am not built for speed, or running, or things I don’t like doing). But, I’m not making a ‘resolution’ to run 5 days a week starting Jan. 1 that I would never actually keep. Words have power.

I am still working on my 2019 goals… I have so many things I want to accomplish in life, so its always a work in progress to determine what I want to do this year. But, I know what I don’t want to do… I don’t want to diminish my light or make my goals feel small by equating them to a silly tradition we just go through the motions for.

I have a word this year: Roots. This is my theme… to grow roots in my business, to return to my roots as a healer, to buy a home or come damned close to being ready to… to create a life that is authentic to my soul, stable in my needs for my son and I to feel at ease, and to find peace in the motions of my day. The goals that I develop for myself this year will all be tied into that word, that feeling, that need.

And I will not fail… not in January… not ever.

…And Then Life Got in the Way.

I feel like there is so much THAT-ness in that title. Every season, things change for me because the pace of my life has always been entirely too fast, too hectic, with so much muchness that I feel like I’m always just a breath away from bursting at the seams… which is probably a very good way to describe anxiety now that I think of it and THAT is exactly the mode that my brain has been in recently. But, what I absolutely know to be certain is that I am in desperate need of returning to myself. 

So, let me fill in the gaps of the past few months as best I can.

First things first… I determined, yet again, that I do too damn much. I always aspire to be one of those women who have a flourishing business, well adjusted children, a tidy home, pinterest made crafts, a hobby, a rocking body, writes a best selling book, and is dedicated to a daily yoga and meditation practice. But fuck, I can barely remember to pack a lunch, stay awake to help my son with his homework, and pick up dog food on my way home. But, when I talk to people about what I am “up to these days” I always get told I am doing too much and yet, I feel like I can never do enough to make myself or anyone else happy. So, Ive been piling on the busy work… and well, something had to give. I’ve taken a step back from weight loss and my own personal training to focus on studying for my personal training certification exam. I stopped doing online fitness coaching and for a while even stopped dating. 

I am proud to say that I passed that exam and am now a Certified Personal Trainer through NASM – something I NEVER in a million years saw myself doing, but I’ve learned so much about the fitness industry and the body and yet… I still find it all intimidating. It’s like now that I have this fancy piece of paper and this amazing accomplishment I should be feeling totally empowered to hit the gym and train like a beast right? Ok, so I say that to say this… I am very proud of what I was able to accomplish through hard work and sacrifice in studying long hours and late nights to learn something on my own that was a completely foreign concept to me; however, at no point should I rely on another piece of paper to fulfill me or make me happier or more readier to work towards my goals than I am (or you are) in this very moment. Everything that one needs to be a badass is inside of the little passion bubble that beats in the chest. 

So it’s time to make a plan, set a new goal, and get back to work. 

And then there’s the whole “pursuit of happiness” element… how do I say this in a way that makes sense… I am still working on acclimating to the silently still vastness of being single. I understand that will make no sense to many of you but for those who it does, I wish I could hug you right now. I have lived my life as part of a half – as the “other part of the ampersand” since I was 12 years old and the longest I’ve ever been single up until this year has been 2 weeks. To those of you who have spent long lengths of time seeking a partner, I understand how that sounds like complaining… but, being alone without a text message or a call to respond to at the end of the work day or someone to ‘do something’ for or with is… uncomfortable… Like wearing an itchy wool sweater you cannot take off. It has been nearly a year now since my live in partner of 3 years packed up and walked out of my life while I was at work one day and I am still finding myself struggling to decide how to fill the hours of my day without someone to ‘check with’ to determine what “our” plans for the day were. Hell, it took me a few months before I could even remember that I was supposed to order my taco salad without cheese because he had always done that for me.

Being single still feels very unnatural to me. However, after this year of having fallen in love with someone who hurt me deeper than anyone before or since and then being involved with a man who’s life motto is “I have no clue what I want from day to day” I have become cynical and very, very picky. 2018 has been the year of forced emotional antihistamine… I would rather force myself to be ‘itchy’ and walk away from anyone who wont fully choose me than to choose to settle just so that I am not alone.

So, with that realization in mind, the pursuit of happiness is not in the hands of another, but in finding out through exploration what makes ME happy. I am focusing on my goals, my relationship with my family, my businesses, developing my tarot and divination skills, reading, writing… and being my authentic self.

… so that is the Cliffs Notes version of where we are.

More Happy. Less Bullshit. Chaos Cancelled.

The Weight Loss Saga – NOT Pretty for a Fat Girl

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I feel like I should rename this section of the blog because that scale ISN’T moving. I haven’t even looked at it in over a week. At the start of all this, I was obsessing over that number. Staring constantly at it as if I was willing for it to move like some weight loss ouija board. But, that’s not how it works apparently.

For those who have been following the chaos that has been my journey, I started studying for my Certified Personal Trainer exam back in May and became a Coach with Beachbody in June so it has certainly been a whirlwind the past month of studying, learning, working out, and realizing that I have absolutely no reason to be attempting to get back into the dating scene when I am still all up in my feels about my ex. Soooo…. here we are, a little bit of chaos, a whole lot of busy, and trying not to eat myself into the bed permanently. The good thing is, since I’ve started this way of living, I don’t crave the more harmful foods like donuts and french fries. I crave sushi and good chicken tacos. So that certainly does help. Also, I’ve been weight training consistently so I am seeing my shape change and my peers and clients are taking note.

IMG_5173As the saying goes, don’t take the advice of anyone who’s never actually done anything. So, despite the scale not moving, progress is being made and it is allowing me to help others now join me on this path and feel more confident and healthy in their own lives.

Confidence has been a huge thing for me recently. I’ve been really struggling to find who I am without my other half or ANYONE else for that matter. It is getting better. I bought my first 2 piece bathing suit. I started wearing shorts in public. These things seem normal, but for the girl who is perpetually the “fat girl” in the room, it is a huge shift. I actually overheard that an older gentleman had been speaking to one of the trainers about me recently and said what was strangely one of the most motivating statements (at least for me) to date.

“When you first see her, she looks like she could kick your ass. But, then you see her and realize she is just really, really pretty.”

I cried a little. I have to admit. I’m so used to being “pretty for a fat girl” or the “big girl with the pretty face.” I will take “she looks like she could kick my ass” any day of the week over “she looks like she likes cake.”

 

So… my focuses right now aren’t on that number, they are on that feeling. I am seeking mental and physical strength…and some of that emotional strength, too. I want to help others, help myself, stay consistent…and pass this damn exam!!!

A Chapter on Forgiveness and How to “Elsa That Shit”

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Forgiveness is a bitch. It is a concept that has really been pressed upon me recently… the art of forgiveness and letting go. I find I am reminding myself to “Elsa that shit” more days than I don’t so its obviously something that has been presented to me to work on. That’s how I like to see life. If it is something that you’re repeatedly challenged with, that’s your lesson that you need to be learning. That’s the “chapter” of life’s textbook that you’re supposed to be working on right now.

I tend to get very attached to people and situations very quickly. I go from the gut and the heart and when I actually feel butterflies, it’s a BIG deal. So, when things end or go a way that varies from my expectations, I know it is my own attachment to the outcome that makes it hard for me to deal and let it goooo.

So, this year the Great Spirit has blessed me with some very big life lessons in the form of two humans. One will do anything to try to hurt me the other will say anything to try to tear me down. In both relationships, I have bent over backwards to try to salvage the relationship and make them happy, even at the sake of sacrificing what I felt comfortable with taking.

This is what I have learned.
1) Manage my expectations – I cannot expect for everyone to act and do as I would in any given situation, they are living their own journey which is molded my their past conditioning and karma and I am here to live my journey along side theirs in this chapter.
2) Their words/actions are not a reflection of myself – There is something that is the catalyst for their actions and as long as I have done the best by them that I can, that’s all I can do. I am a good human in and of my own right. All I can do is love them and wish them better days on their journey.
3) I am okay – Seriously. Whatever happens it is not the end of the world, just the end of the chapter. I am okay. You are okay. Even if what you did/said/didn’t do was not, I just have to accept that it is something that I have to release (along with you) and move forward.
4) Moving forward and moving on are separate things – You can still love someone and continue in your life without them. If someone crosses your boundaries in a way that cannot be repaired. It is ok to love them, forgive them, and go on without them as best you can. Just because someone you love hurt you does not mean that you have to stop existing and it doesn’t mean you stop loving them in your own way.
5) Closure is bullshit – Yup, I said it. Closure is a concept that rarely ever pans out. If you don’t receive the closure you crave, it doesn’t mean it isn’t over and that it SHOULDN’T be over… because it should. Just because you don’t get closure, doesn’t mean that the connection is a healthy and strong one. It just means that they never came up with the words or the actions to make you feel better. They didn’t do it while you were together, they probably never can.

So, it’s a process. I am still learning and healing and with full honesty, I hope they are, too. We all have to be good humans here…and it is fucking hard when we are dealing with our own karma and past hurts, bad programming and fears. I just have to accept that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you in a hard way what you need to learn the most and that is why the best thing I can do for myself and for them is to be grateful for the lesson, send them my love, and let it go.

The Weight Loss Saga- My Independence Day (Trigger Warning)

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I’ve NOT been consistently meeting my goals. Let’s face it and call it what it is and move forward. I’ve been struggling with some serious shit in my life and I’ve been really, really depressed. I thought I was handling it ok, saying that my studies were keeping me from being as diligent. But, my laying in bed trying to sleep it away has been keeping me from doing what needs to be done.

First, my nutrition suffered. Since my scale hasn’t been moving and I haven’t been making progress, I haven’t been writing anything here either which keeps me on track. Sure, I’ve been getting my bare minimum workouts in and still helping coach others towards their goals… but I haven’t done a single workout in a week until today. I’m afraid to step on a scale and all I want to do is sleep and cry.

I am being very gentle on myself because, all things considered, I am doing VERY well. The smile you’ve been seeing on Instagram recently has been a coping mechanism. In the spirit of the holiday, let me declare my independence and speak with full disclosure and truth. I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. (I actually just sighed after typing that one out) I say I am recovering because even when it was happening, I knew it and was starting to seek help. I have been living with a demon in my brain for the past 4 months. Even after I walked a month ago, it still continued… the verbal and emotional lashing for hours and sometimes days on end. I literally cannot imagine what those who experience this for YEARS are going through. I am jumpy, depressed, irritable, sleepy, shaky, uncertain about everything, and numb.

A few weeks ago, I saw a military helicopter pass over the parking lot at work and I jumped in my car thinking for a brief second that he was coming to snipe me and then it hit me just how far and how much damage had been done as I sat in the back seat of my car thinking I would somehow avoid a bullet that way. Completely illogical and irrational because that would never happen…but… this is where my brain has been living. Fear. Paranoia. Depression. They will rob you of your motivation and ability to function towards achieving your goals each and every time.

Yes, I am getting support. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life who I’ve shared a bit of what has happened with and are helping me to see that all the things he told me about myself aren’t true. I am being shown my value and worth. I am being treated how I deserve. Yes, I know that he will somehow read this and I may even receive messages of retaliation and this is why I will never speak openly about who… just that I want to speak and continue to speak so that I can help others to know that they are not alone.

Depression… abuse… whatever is keeping you from your goals, whatever is causing damage to your soul. I am here with you. Let’s get through this and show them that we are coming for all the things we were told we could never have.